All Of My Holes, Ranked

Every body is chock-full of holes, yet we rarely discuss how we feel about them. It’s time for that to change, so please join me as I count down the list of my body’s greatest holes:

1. My nostrils

These little buddies take care of the necessary-but-boring functions of breathing and smelling, and mine are always getting clogged up. Don’t get me wrong: these holes are still great. But in this contest of champions, I would put them dead last.

Nostrils

2. My left ear

A very good hole. I can hear sounds with it, especially the sounds to my left. Don’t know where my iPod would be without this lil guy.

Ear

3.  My downstairs holes

Overhyped. Overrated. These holes are somehow the only holes on my list that people actually write about, despite being nowhere near the number one spot. Front or back, I don’t care for ‘em. I’d get rid of my lower body holes if I could, just so people would stop talking about them and focus on the real winners.

Downstairs

4. My Nasolacrimal Ducts

Also known as tear ducts, these babies draw tears away from the eyes and into the nasal cavity—perfect for anyone who cries all the time. Plus, my uncle was able to suck milk up his nose and spray it out of these! It was really cool the first time and then never cool again after that.

Tear Ducts

5. My right ear

Like the left ear but with an additional hole thanks to a sweet piercing I got in 9th grade. A top-tier hole, indeed.

Right Ear

7. My mouth

Can you imagine getting through life without this helpful friend? Eating AND speaking all in one sleek package?! Most people would put this number one, but I’m putting it lower because I’m afraid of choking. Sorry if that upsets you.

Mouth

8. My belly button

Subtle and refined, the belly button sneaks its way into the top spot. This long-closed hole is a constant reminder of where I came from. Maybe I’m just a sucker for nostalgia, but holes don’t get better than this.

Belly Button

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