High School Senior Boasts Highest Blood Alcohol Level In His Class
June 22, 2017
“We’re all capable of great things. Greatness can be found anywhere, even at the bottom of a bottle. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Mom Totally Fine With Son Being Gay And If He Decides He’s Straight Again That’s Fine Too
June 15, 2017
“I’ve always wanted to be a grandmother, but if Daniel has kids he’ll probably adopt them from China or…not that it matters, of course..."
Trump Returns From First Presidential Tour With Souvenirs, New Wife
May 26, 2017
“She will be living at the White House, right? My taxes won’t be paying to guard some penthouse in Dubrovnik, will they?”
Bill O’Reilly Outraged He’s Being Treated Like a Common Woman
April 30, 2017
“I was their most loyal and hardworking employee and they dismissed me like some feminist complaining about equal pay,” he said.
Bored Employee Considers Actually Doing His Job
March 21, 2017
“Budget spreadsheets are sounding pretty good right now, although I can’t remember if doing them is part of my job or not.”
San Juan Kicks Off Spring Break With Annual Running Of The Frat Boys
March 17, 2017
Tourists and locals try to outrun liquored-up frat boys as they stampede through the streets trampling and groping everything in their path.
Kellyanne Conway Unhinges Jaw, Swallows Live Rat At Press Conference
March 10, 2017
Conway later denied she devoured a rodent, claiming what reporters saw was her merely popping a large white tic-tac.