After years of feeling like I’d never find anyone, I’ve finally fallen in love. The only problem is that we’re stranded at sea on an oil tanker, and I also just learned that she’s 16 years old. I’m 41, but willing to give romance a try.
I know it’s usually illegal to have sex with a minor, but since we’ve been on the ocean for three months with no return in sight (our ship was recently ransacked), I think it might be the perfect chance to give love a shot. However, I’m not entirely sure if maritime law applies here, and if so, whether or not it’s strictly enforced.
– Aimless Seaman
Dear Aimless Seaman,
That sounds like a pretty fucking rad problem. I don’t know why you’re complaining like such a little bitch, but I’m gonna help you out anyway because I’m a good dude who’s totally nailed lots of chicks in high-pressure situations. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about women and the law, it’s that you just can’t give too much of a fuck.
But first things first: she sounds totally hot and DTF. I’d definitely bang her. I bet she’s, like, just a little dirtied up and making use of whatever stray cloth happens to be aboard, so there’s probably a lot of skin showing. Man, stowaways are every dude’s dream, and you got one who wants to bone you. High five, man.
I also think banging in the storage room would be pretty rad. Not only will people never look there, but there are probably all kinds of boxes you could hold onto and get creative with. I once nailed a chick in the janitor’s closet of my high school and she was all “don’t stop, don’t stop” and it was awesome. I swear it happened.
As for maritime law, I’m not too familiar, but from what I hear, it’s pretty fucking lax. I can also only assume that it’s basically the rules pirates live by, and from what I know about pirates, nobody gives a fuck. I mean, you guys are in the middle of a bunch of water, and people that live around water tend to be chill, like my cousin who lives in Miami. He’s always tagging park benches and only got caught once, but that was because he was trying to get high off of Raid fumes that day.
Even if maritime law isn’t lax, what you’re doing is so sweet that any sea popo would probably just tell you to keep being the man and look the other way.
Also, when you do the deed, just remember it’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean. I mean, I’m definitely very well-endowed, so I’ve never had to tell myself that, but in case you’re a dude who happens to be dealing with a small dick, it just helps to remember. Plus, it both literally and metaphorically applies to your situation, which would be a sweet thing to point out after coitus.
If anyone reading this thinks I have a small dick, then fuck you. It’s 10 inches long and I’ll send you a picture if it means that much to you.