Dear Shane

Dear Shane,

Lately, I’ve been feeling really angry for no reason at all. I’ve talked to friends and family, but it doesn’t help—they’re used to me calling them pussies, and like the pussies they are, they don’t have any fight left in them. Normally I’d just lock myself in my room, turn up some Rise Against!, and harass my ex from an anonymous Twitter account, but I’m 41 and it’s time for me to grow up.

I’m thinking that politics might be a good place to productively channel my anger, specifically in the Facebook comments of articles about immigration. The thing is, I kind of hate reading. Do you think I have to actually read the articles, or can I just jump right into commenting? Also, is there a way to drag the author in too? If I start getting political, I want to do it the right way.

– Troll In Training


Dear Troll In Training,

It’s funny that you wrote that this week, because I myself have been trying to dip my toes into some politics as well. At first I tried it out on a bullshit liberal think piece about Medicare. Going into it, all I knew was that it’s a buzz kill subject about geezers, but the point is, I still managed to have fun. I just said whatever came to my head, which I think something like, “Old people are gonna die anyway. Are they gonna take my tax dollars to heaven?” Then, BOOM: people just flocked to me with all this attention. Turns out, the people who comment on this stuff are losers with nothing to do, so you can really run with it.

However, don’t feel pressured to just stick with politics. At the end of the day, they’re a fucking downer. My advice is to explore, man. Think outside the box. See a piece about Jennifer Lawrence? Let it all out! Talk about her boobs, about how the pay gap is bullshit, about Bradley Cooper being the MAN. I mean, fuck! It can be ANYTHING. And you can make your comments as long or short as you want! Only have a single “lol” in you? Enter that shiz. Have a nine-paragraph essay? Put it in there, buddy. Your opinion is valuable and everyone should be forced to hear it.

Seriously, man. That’s what comments sections are for: convenient text boxes without rules where you can say anything about anyone and they can’t do anything about it because they’re nowhere near you. As for reading the articles, the beauty is these assholes have NO idea whether or not you read it, because they didn’t either! As long as you stick to your guns and provide plenty of reaction memes, you will fucking OWN people.

I can’t guarantee that the author will respond, but usually I try tagging them and then calling them ugly.



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