So you’ve decided you’ve had enough independent thinking for one lifetime, and are ready to give in and follow that crazy-eyed guy in the subway who told you possessions are just a way for the government to separate you from the truth and beauty of his compound. Well, it’s about time! But don’t go alienating your family and burning your satanic flesh-music records just yet.
Remember, there are tons of terrifyingly charismatic demon-men willing to mind-control you into obsequiousness, so it’s important to pick the one whose conformist cloths cling best to your curves! Follow our guide to dressing your body in the way God (or this particular man who is carrying the spirit of God) intended!
If you’re pear-shaped
Pear shapes are smaller on top with ample bottom halves—this unfortunately means that shapeless shift-sheets will only accentuate your narrow upper body. When you’re feeling hypnotized, like the holy leader’s every look is only for you, do your best to dart your eyes outside of his gaze to also see if he has any uniforms with adorned shoulders or neck lines, which will help balance out your full-of-his-holy-teachings bottom half!
If you’re an hourglass
You may think it’s only the mainstream media that idolizes your tight waist and full hips and breasts, but don’t worry—you have the perfect fertile body shape to be any hot cult leader’s favorite breeding wife! But just because you’re The Blessed One’s pet doesn’t mean the rest of the cult shouldn’t know what they’ve been chemically castrated to be missing. Look for “Faith Families” who favor draping robes with a cinching belt that accentuate all the ways the alien deity has made you other-worldly.
If you’re an upside-down triangle
You may have strong shoulders, but why let your strength dictate your worth, when your gender should be all that matters? While you’re being subjugated to the role of “obedient walking womb,” do it in style! Show off that narrow waist and add some substance to your legs with a long, flowy skirt. You may not be permitted to speak, but that doesn’t mean your standard-issue-obligatory-outfit shouldn’t do the talking for you!
If you’re not sure what your body shape is
This body type tends to feel okay about itself, which can be an obstacle when looking to abandon your sense of personhood to the whims of a magnetic superhuman presence that feeds on insecurity. Look for a cult that parades its new uniforms down a catwalk each season, accentuating flaws in your legs one season and your breasts in another, thus allowing your mind to soften so that the supreme leaders (who often assume names like Giorgio, Coco, or Helmut) can imprint upon you.
If you’re man-shaped
You look great in everything! Have you ever thought about starting a cult?