People these days love to talk about Ebola, but did you know that you’re already almost certain to die from one of these harrowing medical conditions? We break it down in this Runt factsplainer.

xray

Wow, check out these balls, they’re disgusting!

Bad Balls
We all know the feeling of sitting in the waiting room, waiting to see the CAT scan of our testicles. The nurse gets the printout, purses her lips, shakes her head, and rushes to get the doctor. The doctor walks in coolly and calmly to deliver the bad news: “Son, you have bad balls. Horribly misshapen, ugly, godforsaken balls.” You wait for the good news, but it never comes. Haunted by your bad balls, you die alone of shame.

Ugly Children
Unfortunately, not all cases of bad balls can be detected early enough to prevent this next ailment, ugly children. Yes, even those with horribly misshapen testicles can occasionally procreate, resulting in horribly misshapen, unlovable children. While science is unable (and quite frankly, unwilling) to explain how this procreation occurs, there appears to be a correlation between the high rate of binge drinking in our public universities and the temporary blindness it causes. Needless to say, those with ugly children are not long for this world.

Mauve Stool
Thanks to the work of clever Japanese scientists, we now know that everybody poops. The problem is that your excrement is not a bold, take-charge color, like split pea soup or fudge brownie. No, your stool is mauve, the color of the weak and infirm. A mauve stool is a sure sign that you will soon expire, not with a bang but a whimper.

Acute Apathy
You could accomplish so much if you really wanted to, but at the end of the day, who cares? You’d rather just run out the clock, filling your days with Xbox games and cold, leftover mac n’ cheese. When you were a kid you wanted to be an astronaut, but it’s so much work, much more than you thought. Besides, you’re just going to die anyway, like everyone and everything on this rotting earth.

sad food adict

The self-loathing is palpable as this man prepares to satisfy his addiction.

Chronic Food Addiction
Do you feel the need to eat once, twice, even three times a day? If so, then you may be a food addict. Food addicts are those poor souls who got hooked on eating at an early age, and can’t quit. But don’t go cold turkey with this addiction — sudden withdrawal can often prove fatal to those who simply stop eating. The transition to a healthy, food-free diet should be done under direct medical supervision. Parents, watch for these slang words that might indicate your teen is a food addict: snacking, grabbing a bite, chewing the fat, lunching. Stop the habit before it becomes an addiction.

Constipated Dreams
Everybody has dreams. But some people, no matter how hard they push, can’t seem to get those deep-seated dreams to budge. They will sit there all night after work, blood and sweat pouring out of them, but their dream just seems to be an immovable lump deep within them. A common household cure that can work for some is to work with a friend. Sometimes their ideas can reach you deep inside and knock something loose, and then a flood of ideas will come pouring out, setting your dream free.

Cardio-Erectile Dysfunction
If you’re a typical guy, you get visited by the erection fairy once or twice a month, usually due to the arrival of the Sears-Roebuck catalog. Sometimes though, when you meet that special woman, you’ll get what doctors call a cardio-erection (Latin for “heart hard-on”). This is what us normals call love, and you will soon be getting married and having children. Unfortunately, you have this weird problem called Cardio-Erectile Dysfunction, meaning your heart can never flow with the love that only a caring significant other can provide. Sadly, your shriveled, tiny heart will soon lead to your death.

small heart xray

This man will die alone.

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