The official state emblem of Michigan.
In another satisfying day of American politics where absolutely everybody wins, the Michigan Senate has just upheld legislation making anal sex illegal in the state of Michigan.
The move—which has yet to be approved by the House, but come on—means that, due to several quaint, “traditional” laws, it is still technically possible for any consenting adult who chooses to engage in either anal or oral sex to be punished with a 15-year prison sentence.
Having given democracy a star-spangled high five and cheekily tickled the feet of civil liberties everywhere, the Senate then announced some of its next major projects, all of which are scheduled to be enacted before anyone actually gets around to fixing that boring poor-people-who-drink-tap-water stuff happening in Flint. Here’s the full list:
- Ban all birthdays for people between the ages of two and 54.
- Replace all beige plastic bus stops in the city with all new plastic bus stops in a very slightly different shade of beige.
- Ban all people called Adrian from city limits. To avoid unwanted interpretations from the Supreme Court, the ban will include “Adrian and all variations thereof, including Adrienne, Adryan, Adriann and Ernesto, which isn’t technically related to Adrian, but fuck those guys too.”
- Declare war on Guam and wait to be told they don’t actually have the power to do that.
- Change the state bird to an ocelot, because “I don’t care if it’s a bird or not, it’s what my four-year-old said when I asked her, and that’s what we’re going with.”
- Fly entire council to Bermuda for two weeks for “team building.”
- Launch an open panel discussion to decide whether Fiji or Poland Spring water is better for watering house plants.
- Have a little lie down.
- Lower all local speed limits from 40 mph to 39 mph and painstakingly update all signs, bylaws, and traffic signals “for the sake of the children.”
- Take a state-wide survey about which way citizens put their belts on in the morning.
- Decriminalize marijuana, but criminalize THC.
- Sacrifice the most virginal goat in the state fair.
- Frantically try to recoup the tax surplus that was unfortunately invested in Chipotle.
- Google “GrubHub promo codes” on one giant order of medium-spicy wings for senatorial slumber party.
- Build a monorail.
- Put their feet through the armholes of their sweatshirts and run around in circles, pretending to be chickens.
