As many of you know, the 2015 Miss Universe pageant is scheduled for this coming Sunday, December 20th, and I would like to implore you to NOT tune in, as the pageant is a disgusting holdout of sexist and patriarchal values. Also, can I just say that if I were to have any boobs in the world—any at all—I would definitely choose Miss Uruguay’s.
They’re big, but not too big, and I think they’d look great in a swimsuit without making you seem all like, “Hey everyone—look at my boobs.”
But also seriously, Fox will be banned in my home this coming Sunday from the hours of 7–9pm EST when the pageant is scheduled to air, and I urge all who support women and their right to equality to do the same.
And side note, I just Googled Miss Uruguay (Bianca Sanchez) and I’m 99 percent sure those boobs are the real deal. They’re perky, but not too perky, you know? And she could definitely pull off going braless in a halter, which I would kill for.
I know what you’re gonna say: “Nobody really takes the pageant seriously. It’s harmless.” But I beg to differ. Millions of children may be watching and absorbing the regressive attitudes it promotes.
And you’re also probably going to say, “Your boobs are fine. Stop obsessing about your boobs,” and while I know this to be true, I also firmly believe that if I had boobs like Bianca’s—super proportional to the rest of my body and seemingly pert to the touch—I’d be a solid 7 instead of an iffy 5.
So please, if you’re planning to watch the pageant this weekend, reconsider. Also, Miss Angola has major DSLs and I am WAY jealous.