New Year’s Eve. Let’s face it; it’s a miserable time of the year that forces the attendance of horrible parties and sticks self-reflection down your throat as if personal growth was a real thing. Well, here at Runt we’re nothing but heart, so we’ve compiled a foolproof list of New Year’s Resolutions that even idiots like us can truly commit to:
1: Only Argue With People When You Can Be Bothered
Chances are you’re alone right now, composing scathing tweets or at home in your sordid little grief-hole communing with Satan. You’re easily amused, self-loathing, and an utterly loathsome little twonk. Your self-perception has changed 3 times since you woke up this afternoon, cleaning your eyeballs with your tongue. Keep your half-baked opinions to yourself. However, when sharing your perspective – do it loudly, and in public, remembering to punctuate your point by punching the sky in defiance. If you can get on television, you really should. It’s good to laugh.
2: Evacuate Your Bowels At Least Once A Month
Fact: Only 37% of human beings manage to poop more than once a month. Anecdotal numbers may appear higher on account of those shitting-bastards being so talkative. Why not make this year memorable by screwing with statistics and pinching off more than you can chew?
3: Be Kind To Yourself At Least Once A Day
Onanism. Look it up. Modern culture is 24/7 hustle, bustle, conscious un-coupling and bullshit. We’re all so tense these days. Why not let’s set some time aside for reflection, reevaluation and self-knowledge? Ever noticed how the people in denial of buffing the Happy Lamp are always so red-face and uptight? They simply don’t know how to live, and self-love. Put a song in your heart and let your mantra be ‘rub – relief – repeat’
4: Respect Common Knowledge
Entropy. Look it up. It’s a fancy word for “Everything’s Fucked.” You’re destined for the earth my friend. Don’t even attempt longevity, lifelong friendships or meaningful love. So, relax. Get back on the sofa and find something to smoke with those Funyuns.
5: Remain Carbon Based
Seems simple – and it is simple; but don’t be trying to alter your bio-chemical balance. Many have tried and his name is Keith Richards, yes he has become his own chemical symbol but you probably need to Google him to find out if he’s still alive.
6: Wear Mustard Stains As Medals Of Honor
Who can boast a spotless life? No-bloody-one; that’s who. When you’re scoffing down your hot dogs and dripping Dijonaise down your vest, don’t worry about a thing. Embrace life. Live fully. Express your true nature. You’re a filthy fucking pig. Oh – and also, never floss. Your underpants also have another couple of weeks wear in ‘em too.
7: Only Pee When Sitting Down Or Standing Up
Everything you do in the New Year should carry an element of extravagance. If you’re physiologically inclined to stand when at a urinal, why not mix it up and luxuriate in straddling the throne, take your time, enjoy a cubicle and all that it offers? Alternatively, if you’re usually ‘limited’ and forced into urinating in the seated position – why not break with convention – claim your freedom and mark your territory as an independently minded free-thinker?
8: Remain Naked As Often As Possible
Stay real, stay ugly, and stay naked. Practice confidence by undressing in sports arenas, libraries and metro stations. When tasered by the cops, simply enhance your detained nudity with a few choice disco moves.
9: Vow To Never Ever, Never Diet. Ever.
If an Oprah Winfrey VHS box set existed it would tell you two things:
#1 You’re beautiful just the way you are.
#2 You’re never going to be loved because you’re fat.
Well, sorry to break it to you my precious, but Oprah is as much a liar as she is an empowering female figurehead that clawed her way from the bottom to the top. Don’t trust her. And besides, diabetes is just another way of saying “I’m sweaty on the outside but sweetie on the inside”.
10: Put Off Every New Year’s Resolution
At best publicly shared resolutions are a pain in the ass; they read like a catalog of ego-driven humble-brags that project a half-designed attempt at introducing purpose to an otherwise meaningless universe. Stop it. And privately formed resolutions are the worst kind of self-delusion. You’re never going to be as thin, successful, sexually active or spiritually high as you wish. You’re self-serving, indulgent and ridiculous. Pull yourself together and go volunteer in a soup kitchen. Happy New Year!
If you feel like we’ve helped you become a better person why not check out The Best Of Runt Of The Web 2014?