Quiz: How Patriotic Are You?

You’re an American, but are you a REAL American? Do you eat the constitution and shit out bald eagles? Do you bathe in apple pie and then dry off with an American flag? To celebrate July 4th, take this quiz and find out just how much of a God-fearin’, commie-hatin’, red-blooded American you really are.

1. What does the 4th of July mean to you?

   1. John Addams and Thomas Jefferson making sweet love on top of the Declaration of Independence while Benjamin Franklin jerks off onto a pile dead British soldiers.
   2. The celebration of our country's independence!
   3. Red, white, and blue beer koozies, illegal fireworks, and uncle Carl getting loaded and going on about how Obummer is letting the gays and Mexicans ruin our country.
   4. Three-day weekend!

2. What should be the penalty for burning the American flag?

   1. Flag burners should be hung up by their Yankee Doodles and beaten to death by a dwarf in an Uncle Sam costume.
   2. Automatic deportation. You don't like the American flag, then get the FUCK out of America!
   3. They should be banned from buying any more American flags for the rest of their lives. Oh, they'll lie and say, "No, I promise I'll fly this one. I mean it this time," but they're just gonna burn it again.
   4. It depends. Was it one of those 99¢ ones they sell at convenience stores that say "made in China" on them?

3. Do you know all the words to the National Anthem?

   1. Every word, and I'm not talking about that bullshit short version that they sing at baseball games. I know all four stanzas!
   2. Of course! I'm still a little confused over the lyrics though. What does it mean when a light is dawnzerly?
   3. Um... I know as far as "Oh say can you see?" but then I kind of space out until “Play ball!”
   4. That's the one with the amber waves of grain and the purple mountains, right?

4. What's your favorite patriotic movie?

   1. Independence Day. You gotta love a movie where Americans kill aliens that come into the country uninvited.
   2. Team America World Police because America, fuck yeah!
   3. Scarface because it represents the American dream of an immigrant coming to this country and selling drugs until they have enough money to bang Michelle Pfeifer.
   4. Um... The Patriot?

5. Who is Betsy Ross?

   1. Legend has it she sewed the first American flag out of bald eagle feathers and George Washington's pubes!
   2. Supposedly she made the first American Flag but it may only be a myth propagated by her descendent a hundred years later.
   3. The Incredible Hulk's girlfriend?
   4. Your mom!

6. How often do you say the Pledge of Allegiance?

   1. Every morning when I wake up, I place my hand on my heart, face the picture of Ronald Reagan I made out of macaroni in the 4th grade, and pledge my allegiance to the greatest country on Earth.
   2. Only when my stupid kid drags me to a school function.
   3. I haven't said it since grade school. And even then it was usually "I pledge Allegiance to the flag, Michael Jackson is a..." well you know.
   4. The pledge of what now?

7. Who is considered the father of our country?

   1. Our first president and powdered wig fetishist, George Washington.
   2. Christopher Columbus? I know he discovered it.
   3. Jesus?
   4. Can countries have fathers—or mothers for that matter? Jeez, imagine giving birth to a country. That's one elastic that's never going to snap back.

8. Who wrote the Gettysburg Address?

   1. Abraham Lincoln, the Great Emancipator.
   2. Abraham Lincoln's speechwriter? I mean, come on, isn't it a little too well written for a guy who grew up in a log cabin?
   3. Charles Gettysburg.
   4. "Four whores and seven beers ago… "

9. Who's on Mount Rushmore?

   1. Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Jefferson.
   2. Jefferson, Lincoln, Franklin, Adams.
   3. John, Paul, George, Ringo.
   4. Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp.

10. What do you think of when you think of America?

    1. John Wayne eating a Big Mac while the Statue Of Liberty gets fingered by NASCAR.
    2. Mickey Mouse suckling at Uncle Sam's teet.
    3. Hulk Hogan giving Superman a leg drop.
    4. FDR playing baseball with Shirley Temple.

Super, ultra patriotic.

You live and breathe America and you piss red, white, and blue. That actually might be a kidney infection so you should probably check it out.

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Pretty patriotic.

You might not know exactly how many hairs Teddy Roosevelt had on his sack, but you can ballpark it pretty good. You're as patriotic as you can get without putting on a tri-corner hat and digging up Paul Revere’s corpse with an apple pie tin.

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Not very patriotic.

You think Benjamin Franklin was our 2nd president and that the Emancipation Proclamation was Lincoln announcing that he couldn't poop. You just can't be bothered to show a little pride in your country, and that's sad after everything your country has done for you. America totally saw your girlfriend get way too drunk at Becky Slater’s Party, and America totally could have made a move on her, but it didn't because bros before hoes dude... bros before hoes.

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Not the slightest bit patriotic.

You're one of those people who threatens to move to Canada every time something happens in the country that you don't agree with. Well, go ahead, move to Canada! Have fun with the metric system and bacon that's really just ham, you traitor.

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