This elevator, right? From getting on at my floor to that guy you always see with the blue hat who nods hey but you don’t want the relationship to go any further than that because he looks a bit like your weird cousin Andy with OCD, and then that weird smell Mrs. Krakowski always wafts in with her, it’s such a universal experience. Here are seven people you’ll definitely relate to.
1. The Guy Who Just Pretends To Hit “Door Open”
Crowded elevators like this one are an opportunity to perform a simple act of kindness for others, but they are also an opportunity to perpetrate a fraud, like this guy with the too-big business suit who smells weirdly of Lysol and who’s kind of stepping on your foot. He has to know everyone can see he’s only pretending to press “door open” for that lady yelling “Wait,” right? Now everyone’s watching him make the motion while clearly not connecting with the button. Why did he have to make everyone in this elevator complicit in his lie?
2. The Woman Who Reminds You Of Your 3rd Grade Teacher, Mrs. Belser
Remember her? She taught you long division and had a little basket of stickers you could choose from if you got an A on a quiz. You’d nearly forgotten about her until right now, staring at the back of this woman’s head. She’s even wearing a knit green cardigan like the one Mrs. Belser used to wear over just about everything else. In fact, it’s not just similar, it’s the EXACT cardigan. It even has those weird leather toggle hook closure — how often do you see that?
Wait, IS this Mrs. Belser? Is she somehow here, 1000 miles away from where you grew up in this exact office elevator right now, looking to be the exact same age she was when you were in 3rd grade? No, that’s crazy. BUT IS IT A TIME-TRAVELING MRS. BELSER??? IS THAT WHY SHE ALWAYS WORE THE SAME CARDIGAN? BECAUSE SHE NEVER KNEW IF SHE WAS IN THE PAST OR PRESENT AND DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE BY ACCIDENTALLY WEARING AN ANACHRONISTIC ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
3. This Dude Holding Take-Out From That Place You And Your Ex Used To Go
Remember that time the waiter accidentally spilled rice on your lap, and you guys spent the next week laughing about the “rice-capades”? He was ridiculous. Oh God, you miss him so much. Stop crying, you’re in an elevator, get it together.
4. The Ghost Of Your Former Self
As the elevator doors close, you can sometimes see yourself reflected, but in that blurry, metallic way that reminds you of how things used to be. Like, remember when you weren’t filled with dread every day? When you woke up and your biggest worry was whether or not you’d thought to buy more milk for your cereal? Remember when you looked happy, when someone loved you before you realized what an absolute loser you were? Damn it, are you crying again?
5. Your Childhood Imaginary Best Friend
Oh no, Pebbles? What’s Pebbles doing here? Wait a second, did you take your anxiety prescription this morning? Or did you take it twice? What’s your name again? Hi, Pebbles!!
UGH, you forgot you owed Josh $20 for that basketball pool, didn’t you. Great, now he’s going to ask you to pay him back, or worse, buy him drinks and he’ll call it even. Josh is so annoying. How the hell are you always running into fucking Josh? Just keep your head down, he hasn’t seen you yet. That guy’s the worst, isn’t he, Pebbles?
7. This Thing, Seriously What Even Is This Thing, LOL??