Pfizer: selling chemical solutions to human problems since 1849
Here at Pfizer, we’re dedicated to bringing you the fastest solutions to every one of life’s little problems. From incontinence to extended adolescence and everything in between, you can look to Pfizer for your answer.
Life moves fast, but Pfizer pharmaceuticals move faster. Stop doing the things your body tells you to do and get back to doing the things you love, with these Pfizer inspired life hacks.
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Life Hack #1: Manage Your Rheumatoid Arthritis Pain With Celebrex
This nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug is a super chill way to deal with caused by osteoarthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis, and menstruation.
*side effects include gastrointestinal bleeding, heart attack, stroke, or death.
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Life Hack #2: Get Off The Bathroom Line And Back To The Party With Detrol
Isn’t it annoying when you’re at a warehouse rave and all your friends are upstairs tagging the graffiti/installation art room, but you’re stuck waiting for some dude on mushrooms to get out of the only bathroom? With Detrol you’ll spend less time looking for a bathroom and more time finding yourself!
*side effects include dry mouth, dry eyes, blurred vision, and dizziness, but let’s be real - you have half of those already don’t you?
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Life Hack #3: Use Geodon To Get Your Roommate To Stop Acting Like Such A Psycho
#ZiprasidoneHydrochloride (brand name Geodon) is trending in doctors offices all over the country, and can be used to treat anything from schizophrenia and PTSD to anxiety and autism.
Grind some up in your roommate's morning coffee every day for 3-4 weeks, and eventually she'll forget that she was ever mad at you. That bitch cray.
*side effects include fainting, fast or pounding heartbeat, fever, confusion, sweating, white patches or sores inside your mouth or on your lips, uncontrolled shaking, agitation, hostility, extreme hunger, and painful, long-lasting erections.
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Life Hack #4: Combine Cytotec and Mifepristone To Take Care Of That Little Mistake You Made With Terence On Margarita Night
While Cytotec is technically supposed to treat stomach ulcers, it can also guarantee you won't become a parent when used off label and combined with Mifepristone.
*side effects include heart attack, large purple or brown skin blotches, bloody urine, depression, excessive sweating, hair loss, loss of skin color, trouble breathing
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Life Hack #5: Lose That Winter Weight Moment With Viracept
This sexy little antiretroviral medication is used to treat HIV, but FUN FACT: it'll also help you shed a few pounds. Stop stressing about getting back into your skinny jeans and just do it already!
*side effects include sores in your mouth and throat, fruity breath odor, pale skin, problems walking and swallowing, severe lower back pain, hand tremors, loss of bowel control, and rectal bleeding.
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Life Hack #6: Quiet The Existential Dread With Zoloft
Is this life all there is? Is it fair to have children if all they’ll know is a polluted world filled with suffering? Is everything I observe a gross distortion of reality which bears little resemblance to the truth?
Stop bumming everyone out and start living your life!
*side effects include, but are not limited to, insomnia, nausea, fatigue, diarrhea, anorexia, decreased libido, ejaculation failure, agitation, and suicidal thoughts.
If you liked this branded content from Pfizer be sure to check out posts from some of our other corporate partners like Starbucks and Hotels.com
