Dear Slightly Younger Self,
This letter is coming to you from the future. Yes, it’s true, we’ve invented time-travel-mail! The U.S. Postal Service was getting desperate. Luckily for you, it means that your older, wiser self is able to communicate with you, and give you very poetic advice about everything, including love, career, family, body image, etc. and then, your older self will post it on a blog and get a lot of shares on Facebook and then of course land a lucrative book deal. Letters to your younger self are the new “It Happened To Me”!
Your older self is here to tell you, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” and to “just breathe.” What I’m trying to say is: This. Is. Your. Lucky. Day.
But first things first: girl, how’s it going?!!? Oh my god, you look SO good. Wow, have you lost weight? Oh, no, that’s right! If I recall, you’ve actually gained a little weight—but it’s muscle weight, because you are currently working with a personal trainer named Hanson at the Printing House Equinox, which is the best Equinox in all of New York City because it has a rooftop pool. You’ve never used the rooftop pool, but it’s just nice knowing it’s there, right? The eucalyptus steam rooms are also a nice perk. Maybe that’s part of why you look so thin. Huh.
Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s working, and you don’t even realize it! I’m here to tell you: enjoy it. Try to connect your physical form with your source light. Really feel each deep-thrust squat with boundless gratitude. In fact, I think the only real way to fully embrace this moment is for you to pay for three years of personal training sessions in advance.
Don’t you want to feel completely present in your body? Well, then, go downstairs to the front desk and tell them you want three, maybe four, years of individualized body sculpting with Hanson. And that you would also like to pay for a $15 maca-infused recovery smoothie with a bee pollen boost for consumption after each session. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
Anyway, let’s talk about your career. It’s really going well, isn’t it? I mean, you got that dream job, and you’re absolutely killing it. You’re utilizing all your creative skills and feeling personally fulfilled. And you’re making great money, too. But we both know the truth: you’re exhausted. You hustle all day, come home, watch some Taxicab Confessions, and then you just crash. You work hard, and then you sleep hard.
That’s usually considered a good thing, but I just want to make sure you’re getting the most restorative, feminist sleep possible. I want you to wake up feeling like a sun. Like a literal ball of fire, warming planets and creating life. And here’s my advice to you, from this vantage point of great learning and growth on which I’m currently standing: every morning when you wake up, I want you to breathe. Take a deep, mineralizing breath, and exhale until you are close to fainting.
But then right before you faint, I want you to take a $20 bill and put it in an envelope. And then I want you to mail it to the 7-Eleven at 14300 Route 72, Tempe, Arizona. Make sure to write “care of Sara Schaefer.” The guy working there will know where to put it. I promise you, if you do that, every morning, you will feel incredibly powerful and ready to start your day. This is totally the type of thing Oprah would tell you to do! You will thank me later.
Finally, and if you heed nothing else I’ve written here today, here is the most important advice I can give you: love yourself. Love every inch of your being. Reach for total acceptance of your soul, moan “thank you” from your diaphragm, and then: I want you to delete your twitter account. Just log into your account, type in your username and password, go to settings, click “Deactivate my account,” re-enter your password to confirm, and click OK.
I know this won’t make sense to you now, but I can’t tell you how essential this one thing will be. I don’t want to alarm you, but let’s just say that things can spiral out of control pretty quickly if you accidentally type the wrong thing on Twitter!!! LOL! It’s probably better if you just delete your account now, so we don’t have to worry about any kind of silly “backlash,” or “public shaming,” right? You can never be too cautious with your online privacy, you know? Trust. Me. You will thank me later.
In conclusion, just know that so much will happen in the next two years. Soooo much! Like, things you could never anticipate! Oh, the places you’ll have to sleep! I just don’t want you to have any regrets. Be kinder to yourself. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let go and let God. Believe! And above all else: please please please please just never forget: the Denver Broncos will win Super Bowl 50 against the Carolina Panthers 24 to 10.
Me, in two years.