Finger Bang Camp

Congratulations on your first summer job! Being a camp counselor is a lot of fun and a big responsibility, and your cute little campers need lots of love and attention while they’re away from home for the first time. But at the end of a day filled with friendship bracelets and capture the flag, you’ll want to get those sticky little brats off to bed so you can get down with that cutie in the puka shell necklace!

Check out these great spots to meet up with the hot archery instructor from cabin 12 for everyone’s favorite summer camp activity: finger banging real quick before anyone notices that your campers have been left unattended.

The Camp Store. The camp store is a perfect hideaway for indulging in a little petty theft, and mediocre sexual activity with that creepy older dude who somehow got put in charge of driving the bus on camp outings.

Your campers may be having night terrors, but don’t let that stop your teenage dreams! While you’re there you can grab an extra set of batteries for your flashlight or another bottle of bug spray. Way to be resourceful! Man, you’re already crushing this first job thing!

The Infirmary. Once BettyAnn the 72-year-old unlicensed nurse goes to bed at the sultry hour of 7 PM, the infirmary can make for a great place to get down to business, medical dispensary-style! After you’ve left your campers alone with their homesickness and bed bugs to meet up for a late night spit-swapping session, you can let your summer romance sizzle with some hot n’ heavy finger-blasting in the same room kids got combed for head lice two hours ago. Sexy!

The Art Shack. Are you into some freaky shit like using feathers with your romantic partner? Maybe. Who the hell knows? You’re only 16 and some idiot put you in charge of actual children with deadly peanut allergies and emotional issues stemming from their parents’ recent divorce. Either way, the art shack is a great spot for auditioning finger puppets with the oldest boys’ counselor, if nothing else then for the endless supply of lanyard and googly eyes you can help yourself to on your way out.

The Ropes Course. Leave those sunburned tweens unattended for a hot 20 and make your way up the hill and past the tennis courts for a PG-13 rated adventure with the camp chef. Sure, he may be inexperienced, but think of all the extra ice cream you’ll get. And don’t worry about the mood becoming ruined by the screams of your campers under attack by the bees they were tormenting with sticks earlier that afternoon — you’ll be so far up the hill you won’t even hear them.

The Game Room. By day, it’s the place you play Battleship with your campers while someone French braids your hair, but by night, it’s the place the song leader gives you hickeys while your campers are left unattended by the lake! Hopefully, at least one of your fellow counselors was paying attention to that CPR class during orientation.

Climb on top of that pool table and forget all about how you “forgot” to deliver the delicious care package to that one camper who cries all the goddamn time about “missing home” or whatever. She’ll never know you ate all her Swedish Fish and quite frankly, that ungrateful little shit didn’t deserve them anyway.

Happy Camping!

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