10 Bands That Have Entered My Dreams And Choked Me While I Masturbated, But One Is A Lie
July 2, 2017
9 of the following bands have made their way into my mind and choked me while I masturbated. But one of these is a bold-faced lie!
Love Trumps Hate, Unless This Guatemalan Doesn’t Hurry The Fuck Up With My Acai Bowl
June 30, 2017
It's imperative that as a nation divided, we - is... is he putting whole milk greek yogurt on MY acai bowl? I distinctly ordered low-fat.
Heartbroken America Sees Barack Obama At Restaurant With Younger, Hotter Nation
June 28, 2017
"It was really, really pretty," a despondent America recalled.
Trump Waiting To See If Next Shooter Dark Enough To Tweet About
June 26, 2017
"Even a name can go a long way. Something with a lot of vowels smashed together is a good indicator that he should send a tweet ASAP.”
Woman Begins 12th Year Of Watching The Bachelorette Ironically
June 24, 2017
Hudson, a 26-year-old living in the Washington, D.C. metro area, has been “barely getting through" the show for 12 years.
High School Senior Boasts Highest Blood Alcohol Level In His Class
June 22, 2017
“We’re all capable of great things. Greatness can be found anywhere, even at the bottom of a bottle. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
All-Female Screenings Of Wonder Woman Causes Outrage, Boners
June 20, 2017
News of women-only screenings of Wonder Woman has left many men reeling in the aftermath, causing outrage and boners across the country.