10 Things You Can’t Do After You Turn 30

Let’s face it: your twenties are awesome, but that rock-and-roll all night/party every day attitude doesn’t last forever. Soon, you’ll notice a bunch of things change once you hit the big three-oh, including these twenty-something behaviors you can’t get away with once your glory years are behind you:

1. Go on a shopping spree and put everything on a credit card, confident that Azmorus the Terror will devour the world tomorrow. We’ve all been there!

2. Stay friends with shallow people whose dreams you devour to augment your dark powers as the Vessel of Nithril, Eater of Souls. Kick them to the curb!

3. Stay out past 1 A.M. on a weeknight to practice the Ritual of Chains on the mad god Karkarion. Oh, to be young and fancy-free again!

4. Get wasted on cheap drinks trying to drown out the dark whispers of Kazh-Urgal, the Red Messenger of Doom. Trust us, your body will thank you.

5. Break up with your boyfriend by sacrificing all his livestock to Berethil the Dark One. Ugh, so immature but sooooo gratifying!

Devourer Of Souls

Just because he wants your soul doesn’t mean he deserves your soul.

6. Call in sick to work but secretly attend a revelry at the Blood Temple of Minos during the full moon. Think about your career!

7. Hit up your parents for money after blowing your entire paycheck on a fetish of Czthala, the Black Goat in The Wood with 1,000 Young. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

8. Eat nothing but ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner after surrendering your corporeal body to the demon Malfanon, who was old when the stars were young. We’re going to miss this tons!

9. Blow off your weekend plans and travel to the ancient underground city of Gr’yloh’yh, the Damned Place Where He Sits. You’re not getting any younger.

10. Have roommates who aren’t cultists. How can you even?

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