It happened just the other day; I went into Starbucks and ordered a regular coffee the morning after taking my kids out trick or treating (you know, celebrating Satan, witchcraft, etc.) and it had already begun.
I got my Pumpkin Spice Latte in their nondenominational holiday cup and realized it was already that time. Time for me and my god-hating, anti-Christian, atheistic but also somehow devil-worshiping friends together to declare our official war on Christmas 2016.
Call me old fashioned, but it just feels wrong to get out this early. Jeez, I mean the leaves haven’t even changed colors yet and I’m already in the middle of writing attack pieces on Breitbart and the nuclear family! Can’t I just enjoy the different seasons so when my liberal agenda ramps up, it feels as magical as it did when we were kids?
I miss the good old days when all it took to get people riled up were myriad micro-aggressions, like saying “Happy Holidays” or even just writing “Merry X-mas” on cards. It didn’t use to take much to elicit a gut reaction from the white, Christians of our nation that are so wildly outnumbered that their voices are barely heard on a local or national scale.
But these days the magic is all gone. It feels like I’m just phoning it in. Why is Old Navy already releasing their “holiday sale” commercials? These commercials are great, don’t get me wrong – I mean they don’t even mention the words “Jesus,” “Christmas,” or “Santa” once. But how can I really commit myself to attacking this “Nation Under God” thing when it’s still 65 degrees outside?
I don’t know, it just feels tired at this point. I already know my kids’ “holiday pageant” is only going to sing 9 songs about Santa and like one about Hanukah, which is sure to enrage those who feel like they’re somehow having Judaism shoved down their throats. I mean the turkey hasn’t even been set on the table, and I’m already expected to start burning mangers on my lawn?
I guess one upside to all this is that since it’s still warm, putting up my clear – I repeat, NOT red/green holiday lights – will be easier than usual.
Let me know in the comments if you want to meet up and discuss other ways to destroy the nation, or if you have any leads on how to change “25 days of Christmas” to something else. Just give it at least another two weeks, please.