In the immortal words of Seinfeld, 95 percent of the world is undateable; of course no one actually does themselves the favor of listening to that wisdom before first embarking on a totally demoralizing romantic journey of their own. Today, we enjoy thirty-four hilariously bad first date stories from Twitter that make a life with your right hand seem like paradise:

1.

5 Kids

2.

Bass Pro Shop

3.

Ankle Monitor

4.

Begging Her To Comeback

5.

Busch Lites

6.

Cousins

7.

Criminal Record

8.

Love Like A Brother

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