Quiz: Is It Time To Take Up Zumba? :(

So , you’ve spent the last few weeks watching The Steve Harvey Show while eating cold leftovers in your bathrobe. You thought about joining a book club, and you’ve even taken up positive thinking — but are you truly, finally at your rock bottom? Is it time to take up Zumba? Take this quiz and find out:

1. How many times a month do you cry at happy hour?

   1. Margaritas!
   2. 1
   3. 3
   4. 4

2. There’s free food left over from a meeting at work. You:

   1. Lose your fucking mind.
   2. Have a cookie and say out loud that you’re “so bad.”
   3. Are sure that mouth breather in accounting already ate the good stuff.
   4. Hoard the left over condiments in your desk because you “never know.”

3. Which emoji best describes how dead you are inside?

   1. 

   2. 

   3. 

   4. 

4. Your favorite Pinterest Board is:

   1. Adorable Party Favor Ideas
   2. Food and Dranks!
   3. Nonexistent
   4. Wedding related, and you’re not engaged.

5. Your birthday is coming up. You:

   1. Say you don’t want to do anything, and then last minute guilt trip your friends into going to karaoke.
   2. Are going on a long hike to find yourself.
   3. Will get a mani pedi.
   4. Will spend the whole day watching strangers write on your Facebook wall.

6. Which food item is your favorite misguided attempt to save yourself?

   1. Kale
   2. Coconut Oil
   3. Apple Cider Vinegar
   4. Drinkable Yogurt

7. Oprah is:

   1. A brilliant business person.
   2. The only person who could ever get you to read a book LOL!
   3. The closest thing you have to a mother.
   4. So sassy!

8. Your first thought when you wake up in the morning is:

   1. I am so excited to write in my gratitude journal.
   2. This shit again.
   3. Goddamn it. I forgot to get coffee.
   4. I can’t remember the last time I had sex.

9. Choose a Yankee candle scent

   1. Key Lime Delight
   2. Morning Breeze
   3. French Vanilla
   4. Why Can’t I Get Just One Man To Stay Longer Than a Night

Dance like your life depends on it!

You’ll buy some “snazzy sneaks,” and prance around the house, shaking your hips, smiling, and otherwise alarming literally everyone in your life. You will ruin important relationships as you refuse to stop talking about how fun exercise can be, and you’ll get to know your teacher on a first name basis. You’ll know the steps to every single routine, and you’ll frequently refer to the fake Latin dance class you just took as “life changing.” We are so, so, sorry.

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Uh oh. You’re going to sign up for a free first class.

When you run out of different recipes for flat bread, you’re going to have to do something to avoid being alone with your thoughts, and, unfortunately, that something is a free fake salsa-jazz fusion class that we all know as Zumba. You’ll have alarming moments of joy and even convince yourself that this is “really something you could get into,” but luckily you’ll never actually follow through on registering and will be back to daytime naps in no time.

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Fine. You’ll go with your friend Nancy, but you’ll hate it and never return.

You’ll successfully avoid the old “shake, shake, shake,” and primarily stick to crying in your car while listening to Celine Dion — that is, until Nancy, that sad sack of hollow smiles, has her way with you and forces you to attend. You’ll hate it almost immediately, and learn the hard way that enthusiasm is for losers.

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Phew. At least three more months of a sedentary lifestyle.

Sure, every once in a while you might make an empty threat to “get your dance on,” but the beautiful reality is that you’ll never make good on it. You’re cynical, lazy, and fucking perfect.

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