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5. The Sugar Daddy
If he’s your Sugar Daddy, then here’s how to play it. First, text him a link to those Louboutins you want and write something flirty like “can’t wait to wear these and nothing else.” This isn’t the time to talk about why Louboutins are tacky, Susan, but they are. The fact that you want a pair proves you’re not emotionally ready for motherhood. Jessica and I were talking about it, and we don’t even know how you managed to monetize your looks. I mean whatever you have going on is fine, but it’s not great. Jessica’s words - not mine. Now text him a picture of a pregnancy test, and a third that’s just a screenshot of directions to his wife’s divorce lawyer’s office. Wait 3-5 minutes and say “OMG wrong text,” and then “sorry, Babe.” If he doesn’t answer, ask “Are we still on for tonight?” He’ll be accompanying you to the doctor faster than you can say “alimony.”