Stop, Drop & Roll
“I can just hang out here for the next two hours, it’s perfectly normal.”
A major part of The Slow Back Away is knowing what to do when you accidentally see your friend walking towards you in public. For the next few months, you’re going to have to be hyper aware of your surroundings when you are out. Make sure you scan faces on the horizon. Could it be her? It’s important to see her before she sees you. If and when you spot her, before she can realize it’s you: freeze. Drop to the ground, and roll into a nearby ditch. Encounter avoided!
Make It Impossible For Her To Contact You
“Worth it.”
Some people think blocking someone on social media is the ultimate step in ending a friendship. Defriending, they say, is the only way to truly defriend someone. I, however, don’t subscribe to this thinking.
As I’ve mentioned before, it’s just too risky. If you block her, she’ll be able to blame YOU for the demise of your relationship! And you can’t have that. You must come out unscathed. You are the better person. Don’t give her any ammunition. But look, I hear you: you need some Goddamn relief from this fucking shrew. In fact, you need to make it impossible for her to contact you. How do you achieve this without the dreaded block? Easy. Die.
There’s no simpler way to get someone out of your life than by not having a life at all. After you’re gone, she may try to contact you through a séance or through prayer – but you’re dead, which means you can justifiably straight up ignore such attempts. FINALLY. She won’t think you’re doing it on purpose; she will just chalk it up to “death is the end, there is no afterlife.”
Should you choose this last option, you have completed the ultimate Slow Back Away. Not only are you not friends anymore, but she has no idea you hated her! You’re just simply dead. That is why you’re not liking her Instagram posts anymore. You are deceased. It has nothing to do with the fact that she only posts gym selfies.
