LEAKED: Paul Ryan’s Plan to Eradicate Poverty in America

Paul Ryan

Critics love to accuse Paul Ryan of being unserious when it comes to addressing the poverty problem. But we were able to find evidence to the contrary, thanks to an insider tip from an insider trader. Here are a few of his biggest ideas:

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single mothers

Help mothers with multiple jobs find more jobs.

gross mcdonald's burger

Make food stamps redeemable at McDonald’s to encourage shorter lifespans.

Homeless feet

Redefine the upper class to include homeless people.


Hire the nation's poor to knit a giant rug and then sweep them under it.

Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit

Replace the social safety net with vouchers for the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Russian billionaire

Help low-income parents sell their daughters to Russian oligarchs.

baby in money pile

Offer affordable seminars on how to be born into wealth.

US border fence

Hire the poor to construct a border fence between the U.S. and themselves.

Voided Emanicpation Proclamation

Reduce labor costs by quietly repealing the 13th Amendment.

Prenatal education

Broadcast “Atlas Shrugged” into the womb.


Stage interventions with the less fortunate to address their dependency on shelter.

space colonists

Enlist the unemployed to colonize outer space! (not a planet, just the void)

corporate owners

Remind the poor that all it takes to be a legitimate citizen is to adopt corporate status.

predator drone

War on Poverty 2.0: now with Predator drones!

Paul Ryan powdered wig

If all else fails, there's no shame in eating cake.

10 Uplifting Signs Of Spring In New York

After six hellish months of drinking alone to forget about winter, it’s time to drink alone to celebrate spring! Here are a few of the most inspiring spring images from the Greatest City on Earth.™

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snow in nyc

Melting snow reveals a treasure trove of cigarette butts.

migrating pigeons

Migrating pigeons return from a few blocks south.

subway armpits

Warm weather gives subway cars that new armpit smell.

bodega cat

Bodega cats go on loud fucking sprees.

Union Square Peepers

Perverts flock to Union Square to peep up girls' skirts.

Union Square police

Cops patrol Union Square for perverts while also peeping up girls' skirts.

possums in trash

Garbage-dwelling possums emerge from hibernation.

hipster hat

Hipsters replace their knit caps with slightly thinner knit caps.

plucked chicken

Chinatown's chickens shed their winter feathers.


Crushing suicidal thoughts give way to more lighthearted suicidal thoughts.

33 Yahoo Answers That Will Make You Question Your Participation In Humanity

There are two types of dumb in this world. The first is your garden variety of innocuous stupidity; exception-to-the-rule moments of “I pushed when I should have pulled” and “orange juice instead of milk in my cereal bowl”. The second kind is the more nefarious “every moment of my life is governed by a soul-crushing mix of stupidity and self-inflicted ignorance”. This, my friends, is the exposition of the latter. Enjoy and hilariously cringe at these thirty-three Yahoo Answers that will make you wish we could get a do-over on the Big Bang:

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Pepperoni Pizza

Water Celery Percentage

Popular Techno Song

Yahoo Questions Dog Sex Education

Space Battles Invented By NASA

Genius Yahoo Questions

Yahoo Questions

Gangster Tattoo Ideas

Yahoo Answers Fart During A Kiss

Yahoo Answers

Yahoo Answers Cheating Man

Worst Yahoo Answer Ever

Stalker Man

Talking Baby

Promise Your Baby To The Devil


WTFiest Yahoo Answer Ever

Johnny Tries His Mom's Bra


Mark Zuckerberg Is An Atheist

Yahoo Answers Spider

I Get Turned On By Dogs

Yahoo Answers Egg Up The Butt

Hellen Keller Dance

How To Tell Your Son Is Gay

Funny Yahoo Answers

Facebook Friends

Darwin's Law

Driving While Stiff

Cat Licking

Credit Card Floppy Drive

Beer Farts

Yahoo Answers

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25 Infinite Abysses Of Fire That Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Would Look Great In

March 25th, 2014, a day that will forever live in the annals of human history when the two greatest humans to ever walk the planet — Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin — announced their ‘conscious uncoupling.’ While their love may have flamed out, their infinite contributions will live on forever. To celebrate, we take a heartfelt look at twenty-five infinite abysses of fire that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin would look absolutely magnificent in:

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Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Fiery Abyss

We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Chris Martin Gwyneth Paltrow

"I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."

Erupting Volcano

"Coldplay fans are the best in the world. If you like Coldplay then you're obviously very intelligent and good looking and all-around brilliant."

Painting Of Hell

"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe."

Coldplay Sucks

"There are six Coldplay albums. Six."

Fiery Pit

"We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you."

Burnt Down Building

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."


"Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me."

Fire Crater

"I do an hour's yoga and go running every day. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, potbellied idiot - and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!"

Fire Photograph

Chris Martin on the American economy: "The only way we can get back on our feet is with an abundance of click-through galleries."


Gwyneth Paltrow on Sedona, Arizona: "I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

Forest Fire

"Anything that we think is incredible and beautiful and wonderful, we ascribe to something that we don't know what it is."

Gates Of Hell

"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."

Volcano Photos

"I don’t hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I’ve learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. It’s very liberating. It’s very empowering, and I’ve learned a lot of that from Jay—Shawn Carter—Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It’s a very good lesson to learn."

Gigantic Fire

"Every woman can make time [to work out] -- every woman -- and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I've worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work."

Gwyneth Paltrow Loves Fires

"We have always conducted our relationship privately and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner."

Infinite Lava

"I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story."

Intense Fire

"I can't believe we've got away with becoming this huge band. And we still haven't done anything I think is that good yet."

Lake Of Fire

"I get more people approaching me about how good I was in 'Napoleon Dynamite' than being in Coldplay."


"One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."

Lava Flow

"Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could."

Lava Time

"But that's love. Just go with it. Think of Romeo and Juliet, or people with really challenging marriages—cross borders, cross races, sometimes cousins. Many people have challenging situations."

Lava Waterfall

“One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.”

Out Of Control Fire

"I've lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce 'pasta' as 'pasta' instead of 'pah-sta.' I'm sort of joking when I say this but I really don't want my children speaking that way."

Volcano Fire

"When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’"


"Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?"