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10 Uplifting Signs Of Spring In New York

After six hellish months of drinking alone to forget about winter, it’s time to drink alone to celebrate spring! Here are a few of the most inspiring spring images from the Greatest City on Earth.™

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snow in nyc

Melting snow reveals a treasure trove of cigarette butts.

migrating pigeons

Migrating pigeons return from a few blocks south.

subway armpits

Warm weather gives subway cars that new armpit smell.

bodega cat

Bodega cats go on loud fucking sprees.

Union Square Peepers

Perverts flock to Union Square to peep up girls' skirts.

Union Square police

Cops patrol Union Square for perverts while also peeping up girls' skirts.

possums in trash

Garbage-dwelling possums emerge from hibernation.

hipster hat

Hipsters replace their knit caps with slightly thinner knit caps.

plucked chicken

Chinatown's chickens shed their winter feathers.

runt.smile

Crushing suicidal thoughts give way to more lighthearted suicidal thoughts.

25 Infinite Abysses Of Fire That Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Would Look Great In

March 25th, 2014, a day that will forever live in the annals of human history when the two greatest humans to ever walk the planet — Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin — announced their ‘conscious uncoupling.’ While their love may have flamed out, their infinite contributions will live on forever. To celebrate, we take a heartfelt look at twenty-five infinite abysses of fire that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin would look absolutely magnificent in:

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Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Fiery Abyss

We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Chris Martin Gwyneth Paltrow

"I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."

Erupting Volcano

"Coldplay fans are the best in the world. If you like Coldplay then you're obviously very intelligent and good looking and all-around brilliant."

Painting Of Hell

"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe."

Coldplay Sucks

"There are six Coldplay albums. Six."

Fiery Pit

"We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you."

Burnt Down Building

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."

Fire

"Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me."

Fire Crater

"I do an hour's yoga and go running every day. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, potbellied idiot - and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!"

Fire Photograph

Chris Martin on the American economy: "The only way we can get back on our feet is with an abundance of click-through galleries."

Fires

Gwyneth Paltrow on Sedona, Arizona: "I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

Forest Fire

"Anything that we think is incredible and beautiful and wonderful, we ascribe to something that we don't know what it is."

Gates Of Hell

"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."

Volcano Photos

"I don’t hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I’ve learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. It’s very liberating. It’s very empowering, and I’ve learned a lot of that from Jay—Shawn Carter—Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It’s a very good lesson to learn."

Gigantic Fire

"Every woman can make time [to work out] -- every woman -- and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I've worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work."

Gwyneth Paltrow Loves Fires

"We have always conducted our relationship privately and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner."

Infinite Lava

"I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story."

Intense Fire

"I can't believe we've got away with becoming this huge band. And we still haven't done anything I think is that good yet."

Lake Of Fire

"I get more people approaching me about how good I was in 'Napoleon Dynamite' than being in Coldplay."

Lava

"One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."

Lava Flow

"Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could."

Lava Time

"But that's love. Just go with it. Think of Romeo and Juliet, or people with really challenging marriages—cross borders, cross races, sometimes cousins. Many people have challenging situations."

Lava Waterfall

“One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.”

Out Of Control Fire

"I've lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce 'pasta' as 'pasta' instead of 'pah-sta.' I'm sort of joking when I say this but I really don't want my children speaking that way."

Volcano Fire

"When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’"

Eruption

"Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?"

35 Glorious Text Pranks For April Fool’s… And The Rest Of The Year

While smartphones are probably rotting our brains and making us mindless robots, they do present a vast and endless array of ways to prank your friends. Given that April Fool’s is a few days away, we though we’d share some of our favorite text pranks that you can use on April 1st… or any other day of the year:

The Daily DiCaprio

Text Pranks The Daily DiCaprio

When You Text Prank Your Parents With A Fake Drug Deal

Text Pranks Drug Deal


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40 Genius Pranks For April Fool’s Day

April Fool’s is great because it gives the more mischievous of us a twenty-four free pass to enact our devilish plans upon friends and foes alike. For those pranksters still on the prowl for practical jokes to pull, these forty genius pranks for April Fool’s Day should help:

“Why Does Nicolas Cage Keep Showing Up On All My TPS Reports?!?!”

Nicolas Cage Copies

Delicious Caramel Onions

Genius Pranks Caramel Onions


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