Baby Daddy Poltergeist

We’ve all heard the story. A poltergeist sneaks into your room while you’re sleeping, has sex with you, gives you the best poltergasm of your life, and then leaves you alone in the morning, dazed and pregnant. But I never thought it could happen to me.

And that’s where I was wrong. Because a poltergeist DID sneak into my room one night, it DID give me a freakin’ amazing poltergasm, and I DID wake up pregnant. My baby daddy is a poltergeist, and it really can happen to anyone.

A lot of people have questions for me now, like, “Is it hard being a single mom?” (answer: yes, but it’s also very rewarding) or, “What does a poltergasm feel like exactly?” (answer: really, really awesome). The truth isn’t always comfortable, but I try to answer as openly and honestly as possible.

Sometimes I’ll overhear my seven-year-old daughter playing. My heart aches when I hear her friends inevitably ask where her daddy is, and she replies, “He’s a ghost who had sex with my mommy for just one incredible night.”

My heart aches even more when my daughter asks me why her daddy isn’t around, and I have to tell her that it’s because he’s a trapped, volatile vessel of supernatural energy who only shows up to give ladies super hot, invisible orgasms. I try to remind her that his leaving had nothing to do with her and everything to do with his need to gain energy and life force from orgasms, but I don’t know if she’s old enough to really understand.

Maybe one day. Maybe when she has a phantasmal sexual awakening of her own.

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