Don’t know what Christmas present to get for your dad this year? Well you’re not alone. Statistically, fathers only enjoy about 5% of all the gifts they receive. The other 95% end up hidden, still in their original packaging, at the back of a closet or in that unlabeled box in the garage. Here are 10 Christmas gift ideas that your dad will toss right onto that pile, along with everything else you’ve ever given him.
1: Tactical BBQ Apron
Your dad is a man’s man. He cooks big pieces of factory-farm raised meat outside over an open flame. He’s the kind of man who’s not going to wear some girly apron–or any apron for that matter, but he’ll probably appreciate the thought. Plus, he can just hide it in the same place he keeps that fishing hat you bought him last year for Fathers Day.
2: Something Dead
Nothing says “I appreciate all the financial and emotional sacrifices you’ve made for me” quite like something that was murdered, coated in chemicals, and then mounted for his viewing pleasure. He’ll probably pull it out when you come to visit on holidays, but besides that it’ll surely remain somewhere dark and damp for the rest of the year–maybe the basement.
3: Universal Remote
What do you get the man who has everything (except the ability to retire at 65 because he paid your entire college tuition)? Something he’ll have no idea how to use. This universal remote will be great for making the TV, stereo, heat, and air conditioning impossibly confusing. And if your parents are still together, this gadget will be great for sparking bouts of bickering and then extended periods of silence between them.
4: Dried Meat
If your dad is traditional go with plain old beef jerky. It’s a classic. If he’s a trendier dad get him something interesting and artisanal like venison jerky or antelope jerky or even alligator jerky. He hasn’t mentioned it to you yet because he doesn’t want you to worry, but he’s been having heart problems and his doctor said he can’t eat red meat anymore. This will definitely remain in its original packaging, in that unused kitchen cabinet, reminding him day in and day out of his failing health.
5: Manly Cufflinks
To be honest, you can’t remember a single time when he wore cufflinks, but maybe that’s just because he doesn’t have any. If you got him these cool, manly cufflinks as a Christmas present he’d wear them all the time like when he’s playing poker or golf with his buddies. You’re welcome, Dad.