I’ll Put A Comma, Wherever, The Fuck I Want,

Commas

“Life is a series of commas, not periods.” That’s a quote from one of the deepest thinkers in the game right now, Mr. Matthew McConaughey. He’s right. Life is a series of commas but it’s also a series of choices and I choose not to be shackled by the chains of grammatical oppression.

The comma is a valuable, useful punctuation device because it separates the structural elements of sentences into manageable segments. There are rules as to where, and when, to use a comma but if you know anything about your boy Rudy it’s that I don’t play by rules. I make up my, own rules.

I’m like that kid on your block, who would announce rule changes in the middle of a kickball, game. First there was pegging runners on the back only, then it was every part of the body, then the next thing I know he’s firing the ball at my head, when I’m not even involved in the play! I hope that kid is dead.

People like Matt McConaughey and I, we’re governed by our own rules. We write our own rules. I sat down and wrote my comma rules and hung it up on a bulletin board next to all my favorite quotes, all my other rules, and way too many Bed Bath and Beyond coupons that I need to use soon. Those things just pile up but I’m looking to get significant money off a new, toaster.

Anyway, these are my comma rules. Follow them if you want. It’s a free country for now.

Rule 1. Set the slow cooker on warm, it’s better for…

Wait, those are my slow cooker rules. I grabbed the wrong list.

Rule 1. Use commas to separate words and word groups in a simple series of three or more items OR think of it as words separating commas because who died and left words in charge of every sentence?

Example: I failed English in fifth, sixth and eighth grade. In seventh grade, I paid an Asian to do my assignments.

Rule 2. Use a comma to separate two adjectives when the order of the adjectives is interchangeable. Use four commas if you can’t think of a second adjective after the first.

Example: She is a cold,,,,bitch.

Rule 3. There are already too many rules.

Example: Rule 1 and Rule 2 are enough, rules, man.

Commas and periods are without a doubt the most frequently used punctuation marks. Commas indicate a brief pause. Periods indicate the end. While we’re on the topic though, what the fuck is the deal with the semicolon? Is it just a wannabe comma? Man I wish I still had that Asian kid’s email.

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