It’s only a matter of time before the feds link those bodies they found floating in the Hudson back to you. If Jackson had just disposed of them properly you wouldn’t have needed to ruin your favorite Givenchy pumps teaching him a lesson, but you know what they say about finding good henchmen these days.
After they throw in the extortion, bribery, and racketeering you could be facing life in prison. And while a few face tattoos would set off your eyes nicely, orange is not your color.
You’ve got to get out of the country, but that doesn’t mean your appearance has to suffer. Here’s how to evade the feds while showing the world you’re still chic to death.
Step 1: Convert Your Assets Into Cash, Jewels, And Precious Metals
First thing first: you’re going to have to sell any houses, apartments, vacation homes, and stocks/mutual funds. Make sure to get those payments in cash. Close out your bank accounts, collect your dead aunt’s social security, and cash that royalty check for the Japanese energy drink commercial you filmed a while back.
Now sew as much of that cash as you can into the lining of your jacket, and convert the rest into jewels and precious metals. Jewelry is the simplest way to transport large amounts of money across international borders. Be daring and pair a diamond encrusted body chain with tanzanite midi rings.
Step 2: Frame Rodrigo
Buy yourself some time by pointing the feds in a different direction; namely, towards your husband, Rodrigo. All it’ll take is voice modulating software, an anonymous tip from a burner phone, a fabricated motive, and an appropriately placed murder weapon.
Sure, you’ll miss him, but you two work best when you have time apart to pursue your own interests. Plus, he forgot to DVR Master Chef Junior last week. Wear those thigh high boots he loves so much. It’s the least you could do.
Step 3: Fly To Puerto Rico Using False Documentation And A White Bob Wig
Fun Fact: you don’t need a passport to fly to Puerto Rico from the United States. Maybe the TSA hasn’t flagged your name yet, but you’re not taking any chances. You’ll either have to become a master forger (time consuming), seduce a DMV employee (gross), or steal a license from a drunk chick at a bar (yes). Whatever it takes to get a functioning drivers license.
Silver hair is super trendy right now. Jump on that train without the commitment by buying a wig. You’ll be the chicest fugitive on your flight.
Step 4: Buy A Catamaran And Hire An Attractive Crew
What’s the single most elegant way to live on the lam? Surrounded by beautiful people on a catamaran, obviously. The flowing linen pants, the breezy silk caftans, and floppy sun hats will all look amazing. Your only regret will be that you can’t Instagram any of it.
Buy the boat in cash through an anonymously hired third party and pay your crew so well they’d never think of turning on you. But just to be safe keep records detailing the names and locations of their family members and casually drop the fact that you have ties to every gang the island into conversation.
Step 5: Set Course For Brazil
While Brazil boasts 7,491 km of coastline, almost 3 million square km of rainforest, and a burgeoning art scene that’s not all it has to offer: it’s also a great place to flee your country’s judicial system. Why? Because Brazil has a no extradition policy for Naturalized Citizens. The Nazis knew it, and now you do too.
Throw on a panama hat, a floral romper, and head over to your local plastic surgeon for some injectable fillers, rhinoplasty, and that breast augmentation you’ve always wanted.
Step 6: Hide Out At An Eco Resort In The Jungle
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the best country for foreign fugitives, but you’re not out of the woods just yet. It’ll be four years before you can apply for citizenship. Use this time to relax, work on your Portuguese, and start a phony non-profit to funnel money through.
You’ll want to wear lightweight clothing in durable fabrics, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly okay to order anything from L.L.Bean. Try using a colorful headscarf as a bold accent piece and whatever you do make sure to avoid bodies of fresh water.
For more tips on getting away with murder and looking fabulous doing it check out 7 Scenic Spots Where They’ll Never Find His Body and 8 DIY Projects That’ll Show Mother You’re Doing Fine