For centuries, astrologers have looked to the heavens for answers to their greatest questions, reading the night sky to create horoscopes in an attempt to better explain the deeply-rooted aspects of one’s personality. Today, we just want a 30-word blurb to assure us that we weren’t wrong in ditching our last job before our two-week notice was technically up. But sometimes life is cruel, and we just don’t get the reassurance we need.
For those days when the cosmos are a little less encouraging, here are eight options to browse through until you find something that tells you exactly what you want to hear:
1. The New York Post Daily Horoscope
“You will clash with someone at work today and – ”
OK STOP! You’ve already lost us. For anyone looking for a quick peek into the cosmos, the daily horoscope can usually get us on the right track, but what are we supposed to do with this negative bullshit? For my money, this feels a little too “tough love” and not enough “like an ample-bosomed woman is brushing my hair under a tree in Sedona.” Next!
2. The Cosmopolitan Magazine Weekly Reading
“This is a somewhat introspective week for you…”
Since the term “introspective” indicates feelings of lameness and generally unpleasant stuff that’s not at all immediately gratifying, we’ll just move on. I’m not trying to look within here, I’m trying to look within this issue of Cosmo and have immediate, self-affirming answers. Is that too much to ask?
3. Sally Kirkman Monthly Horoscope
“This could be a frustrating time if you’re waiting on news or work-”
We’re gonna go ahead and stop you right there, Sally. The “Consultant to the stars” tagline on this site led us to believe this lady dealt with the fine people of Tinseltown, but she’s actually an astrologer who studies the patterns of the night sky, which is, and we mean this in the nicest way possible, a total fucking snoozefest.
You are right about one thing though, and that is that we are, indeed, having a frustrating time finding a horoscope that just tells us we’ve earned a shopping spree.
4. The Chinese Zodiac
“Year of the Monkey”
The Chinese zodiac is great because it provides a general idea of what’s to come for every single person on Earth, regardless of their sign, so there has GOT to be some good stuff in there somewhere. However as this reading contains so much information, including but not limited to: elements, birth years, lucky and unlucky aspects, and themes (borr-riiing), it’s best just to skip it, as you likely won’t remember any of it anyway.
5. A Totally Different Sign
If you still can’t seem to find the reassurance that everything will still work out if you do inevitably decide to quit your job and WOOF in Hawaii for a year, just start exploring different signs. I mean, a new relationship/job/massive inheritance has to be right around the corner for someone this week, right? We suggest going with the “69” symbol sign, because you deserve a little giggle by now, or maybe Scorpio, because those are supposed to get laid a ton.
6. Horoscope.com Pet Horoscope
“You are going to have to take full responsibility for their actions on Sunday.”
There’s no way our beloved kitten Buttons is fated to have a rough week, RIGHT?! Wrong! This is clearly actually a representation of our relationship with our pets, which is fancy hippy speak for, “You’re doing everything wrong.” Serves us right for adopting a stubborn-ass Taurus, lesson learned!
7. Horoscope.com Celebrity Love Match
“Trust your intuition…”
What do you think we’re doing here in the first place? We clearly have no intuition, no gut reaction, no instincts with which to protect ourselves from the random and sometimes cruel circumstances which may fall upon us. If I had any intuition I would have known this couldn’t be trusted after three different star signs claimed The OC’s Adam Brody as their perfect match.
8. Just Read All 12 Months Until You Find Something Good
When all else fails, just run down the line until you find one that fits. You can even “remix” your own personalized reading by taking the best stuff from each. Now get out there and have a great day, you!