How To Eat, And Eventually Die, Alone

Eat Alone

If you’re a lonely loser of the world, eating is most likely the only remaining source of joy in your sad, isolated life. Ironically, whatever pleasure you derive from consuming an entire meat lover’s pizza is often negated by the fact that you’re doing it alone, but with a few simple tweaks, it doesn’t have to be that way. So turn that frown upside down, and get back to accumulating piles of unopened mail and stacking Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics books on the other half of your bed!

1. Replace cookware with a child’s play set.

Cooking for one is hard. Not only do you need to carefully measure items to avoid a kitchen full of leftovers, you also have ample time to ponder the sad existence that has become your life as you stare at a single potato floating in a gigantic pot of boiling water. So instead of wasting emotional energy on figuring out your problems, trick your brain by stocking up on tyke-sized pots. A dinner for one will look like a feast for 10!

2. Eat pills with your food.

The fun ones say it right on the label: “Take with food.” All your food. Every time. Doctor’s orders! By the time you’ve finished your third meal of the day, you’ll be up to that “do not operate heavy machinery” challenge with gusto!

3. Turn any sink into a table with a single plate.

What does every dinner date consist of? Food and people! And what do those people eat their food off of? Plates! So the next time you find yourself hovering over the sink to eat spaghetti right out of the pan, relying on the “hot noodle steam” to warm up any red sauce poured directly from the jar, drop a plate down in there and voila! You’re practically at Spago.

4. Order “for a friend.”

When ordering fast food, place your cell phone to your ear, pretending to relay the order from the person on the other end. Then order for yourself. Allow it to occur to you to pick something up for your “roommate.” “Every day is Taco Tuesday when you roll with me!” you might exclaim. When you get home, go ahead and eat all three orders. No one is looking, or expecting much from you anyway.

5. Have dinner with your family.

Once. That’s all it takes. If it’s one of those super high-stakes holiday dinners, even better. Never will you be happier at the prospect of eating your Seamless order in bed with only the glow of your laptop and the tarot card guy on YouTube to accompany you.

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