The following is a transcript of a recent interview transcribed by our paranormal reporter, Dan Luberto.
My name is Tracy Ranier, and my house has been haunted ever since my family and I moved in a few months ago. And while most people would see that as a reason to up and move again, my family has decided to embrace our unique living situation. Of course the occasional “getting sucked back and crashing into the wall” or the classic “making me crab-walk down a flight of stairs” can get a little tedious, we still have a ways to go on our mortgage, so I decided to grab the ghost by the gonads and get to know our little visitor.
TRACY RANIER: Would you please state your name and any background you’d like to share?
DEMON: Well, my name isn’t in any language you’d be familiar with, but I’ll go by what they’ve been calling me for ages, the knocking man. You see, when you’re centuries old like me – and I can’t believe I’m dating myself like this – your name and whatnot kind of evolve, but I’ve been pretty pleased with Knocking Man as a name.
TR: What brought you to Anchor Falls, Minnesota?
KM: Well it’s been a long journey to get here, I was originally summoned during a Native-American burial tradition gone sour. Is Native American the correct term? Sorry I don’t mean to come off as ignorant, things change a lot and I have trouble keeping up, you’ll understand when you get to your 400s. Anyways, I was summoned and took hold of a buried body that eventually decayed, and I took the form of a tree, which was eventually cut down and used to make your house. I love this house, it’d look great with the blood of your family on the walls too.
TR: Fantastic! So you haven’t always been here?
KM: Oh no, that’s actually a common misconception about us demons and burial grounds – the vast majority of hauntings come from wandering souls, not defiled graveyards.
TR: So how long have you been here for?
KM: Since the 50’s I’d say. I’ll never leave, never leave anyone alone until they’re sacrificed, till they’re all gone.
TR: Till who’s all gone?
KM: Nothing, I was thinking out loud, continue.
TR: Okay. What are some of your fondest memories here?
KM: Definitely the O’Doyle Family in the 80s; that was during the “Satanic Panic,” so those guys all really indulged me. The little girl actually reminds me a lot of your daughter! She killed her whole family and was able to spin her head around all the way; it was pretty cool.
TR: My daughter says you talk to her almost every night – why the fascination with little girls?
KM: Oh man, please don’t phrase it like that, I’m not some kind of creep, I like little girls because of how innocent they are, and they’re super flexible. Jeez, Okay, I know that sounds really creepy, but I mean, like I can tell your daughter will be able to contort and climb up walls all while talking in that sing-songy little kid voice the for some reason terrifies the every-living-shit out of people. If I had to make a pick as to who would inevitably murder your entire family, it would be her.
TR: Can you please stop talking about murdering my family? Let’s switch gears.
KM: Sorry, what else you got?
TR: What’s the most challenging aspect of being a demon?
KM: The lack of appreciation. People complain about me even when I’m doing a great job! Satan barely even acknowledges me when I do convince people to kill their families, but whenever I fail, his shiny red ass is all over my abstract shadow like you wouldn’t believe.
TR: Since we’ve gotten to know your world a bit, I wanted to ask you about your opinion on mine. You’ve been around so long and I know you possess our tv quite a bit, what do you think of the political landscape these days?
KM: Well the world is going to shit and the horrors you guys deal with on a daily basis really makes me feel like I need to try harder to spook you guys. Like, I used to just knock over a salt shaker and call it a day, but the other day I threw your husband’s knives all over the kitchen and he was just irritated, not horrified! If you could kill him after, like, slowly eroding his sanity by waking up in the middle of the night and staring at a wall for six hours, that would really help me out. I mean, plus, gun violence is through the roof, which means murder in general gets people less jazzed on what I do, but I had a friend on Long Island who managed to get some guy to shoot his whole family so I guess us demons have the gun nuts to thank for some things.
TR: Okay, well thanks for sitting with me, any closing words?
KM: [begins to chant in indistinguishable ancient tongues]
Editors Note: At this time Tracy’s eyes began to fill with pitch black as she crab-walked to her childrens’ bedrooms holding a knife in her teeth. We’ll have to check back in with the crazy Ranier family next month to see where they’ve ended up!