1 of 31
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
2 of 31
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that's why it's a joke.
3 of 31
Okay, well, come on! Let's have an auction! Let's do this! We'll auction off people like in the olden days.
4 of 31
Then suddenly, she's not your ho no mo'.
6 of 31
Toby works for corporate, so he's really not part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's not really a part of his family.
9 of 31
Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends do.
12 of 31
The worst thing about prison was--was the Dementors.
14 of 31
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
15 of 31
Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
16 of 31
It's got sort of an oaky afterbirth.
17 of 31
You don't call retarded people retards. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
18 of 31
Hate to see you leave but love to watch you go. Cause of your butt.
19 of 31
It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time. And she rocks harder than anyone alive.
20 of 31
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
21 of 31
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
22 of 31
Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
23 of 31
I need a user name... and I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
24 of 31
It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.
26 of 31
I captivated the guy who captivated 1000 guys.
27 of 31
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
28 of 31
I am running away from my responsibilities.
29 of 31
You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?
30 of 31
Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.
