Hi, Satan here. You may know me better as Lucifer, Beelzebub, or on casual Fridays, Goatlegs Pitchyforky — I go by a lot of names, I’m just that kinda guy. Anyhoo, I’m the guy that runs Hell, and I’ve noticed that you mortals have a lot of wrong ideas about this place. I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight (since most of you are going to end up here someday, it’s only fair that you know what you’re getting into). With that in mind, I’ve compiled the following list of the biggest misconceptions that you humans seem to have about the underworld.
A Snowball Has A Better Chance In Hell Than You’d Think
I’m sick of everyone assuming that Hell is hot all the time. We have seasons just like everyone else! Much like how some parts of Alaska can reach 90 degrees in the summer, certain sections of Hell can get quite chilly in the winter. In fact, it can get so cold that sometimes a tortured soul will stop wailing in pain long enough to ask me to turn the thermostat up.
I always tell them, “Sure, buddy, I’ll turn it up when you start chipping in for the oil bill.” That one usually gets a chuckle out of them. Or it might just be the blood collecting in their lungs as we flay them slowly with hot butter knives, you’d be surprised how similar the two sounds are. Anyway, main takeaway here is, bring a sweater with you because I’m not touching the fucking thermostat.
There’s No Special Place Reserved In Hell For So-And-So!
Contrary to popular belief, Hell does not do reserved seating — everyone gets the same accommodations as everyone else. If Hitler has to eat his lunch next to a little old lady whose only crime was souping up her husband’s powdered coffee creamer with Drano, then your sorry ass is sure as heck not getting any sort of special treatment. Sin is sin; we treat all crimes equally in Hell. And the next mass murdering fuckhead who asks me for preferential treatment upon arrival can expect a special place for my foot in his ass.
So next time you see someone you hate on the TV and mutter darkly to yourself, “There’s a special place in hell reserved for that guy,” remember, not only is that not the case, but you may well end up chained to a rock getting your kidneys eaten by rabid meerkats right next to him.