We’ve all been there: all of a sudden it’s 97° and it’s literally unsafe to continue wearing pants that hide your wildly out of control leg hair. You can concede to shaving your armpits – it only takes like three seconds – but shaving BOTH your legs every 3-7 days is just simply an ungodly expenditure of time and effort.
You’re not quite ready to just say “fuck the patriarchy” and go au naturale, but you’d also rather do almost anything besides commit to shaving everything south of the proverbial Mason-Dixon line. Here are eight glorious ways to avoid shaving this summer:
Make Your Leg Hair Look Like Pants
Probably the best way we've devised to avoid shaving this summer is to simply grow your leg hair out until it looks like pants! If people are staring at you and wondering aloud, "Oh my God...is that...is that leg hair, or is it....pants!?" You've done your job. Runt Composite/M Swiet Productions
Dress Like A Fucking Lunatic From The Waist Up
What better way to distract from your chinchilla-esque legs than dressing like a fucking insane person up top?! If you can convincingly give off that "I should cross to the other side of the street to avoid this woman" vibe, you can bet they won't be stopping to ogle your luscious leg locks. Izabela Habur/Getty Images
It's a well known fact that you're not allowed to say SHIT to pregnant women about their appearance. They can't even SEE their legs, let alone shave them! Unfortunately, you would have had to put this one in the works a few months ago, but you can just tell everyone you're pregnant and hope you find a baby to steal in the next six months. BONUS: Your actual pregnant friends will be super jealous of how skinny you are in August when you're "five months along."victoriabee/Getty Images
Walk Only Through Fields Of Tall Grass
We looked and unfortunately there is no Google Maps option for this...YET. If you can manage to plan your life around exclusively walking through wheat fields, you're golden. If you also have allergies, you're just gonna have to decide which one is grosser: a runny nose, or legs like Hugh Jackman. alexxx1981/Getty Images
Explore The Christian Swimsuit Market
What better way to avoid hastily hacking away at your bikini line with a razor than just covering it all up with various unflattering layers of neoprene? You might have to start planting the seeds now to avoid being cross examined by your friends re: your sudden religious conversion, so invest in a good Bible and start saying things like, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." BONUS: The formless, sheath-like shape not only hides body hair, but also any little tummy flaws, and actually come to think of it, the entire body itself!
Get Really Into Body Painting
If you can't shave it off, you can at least paint it on! Cover those pesky ingrown hairs with a thick layer or nine of the finest body paint money can buy. You might look like a terrifying demon, but at least you won't look like a fucking wildebeest!Jan Hetfleisch/Getty Images
Move To Vermont
It's a well known fact that they don't give a fuck whether or not you shave your legs in Vermont. There are people wearing Birkenstocks WITH socks there for Christ's sake, you think they give a fuck about a little leg hair?PeopleImages.com/Getty Images
Just Fucking Give Up
If all else fails, just give up. Enough wine, and you'll forget you even fucking have legs. Mazel!