The holidays are right around the corner, and it’s almost time to head home for a little quality time with the ignorant sacks of flesh who brought you into existence. There is only so long you can shovel pie into your face hole before you get bored, but luckily for you, as your parents grow more and more dilapidated, those kind and virtuous simpletons continue to provide you with plenty of hilarious fodder for mockery with their hilarious attempts to live their lives in peace. Here are 9 ways to have some good old fashioned laughs at the expense of those yuk yuks who are (LOL) so proud of you…
1: Cellphones
Your father wants you to think he’s cool because he finally treated himself a “nice phone,” but those incessant questions about how to navigate the technology that didn’t exist until he was well past middle age won’t be earning your approval any time soon. Then, of course, there’s your mom, who never has her phone on and still calls text messages “those envelope things,” all because she would rather enjoy what life she has left than walk through life staring vacantly at a glowing screen hahahaha so good.
2: The Starbuck
Oh. My. God. So embarrassing. Let’s be honest, if you didn’t laugh at this one, you would have to cry.
3: Hoarding Your Belongings Because They Miss You
Sure, they both devoted their entire adult lives and most of their earnings to you, but what kind of mental patient keeps their kid’s trophies stacked in the basement? You stopped giving a shit about your own accomplishments long ago, but luckily you can fill the void that comes with having no real purpose in life with zingers about how your mom should go on that show Hoarders because she is disgusting and also, Mom, will you get me a string cheese?…Mom?!
4: Church
Few things are as big a knee slapper as the concept of your parents searching for something to bring them peace as their own mortality becomes a more vivid reality. If you’re lucky, your father, who rarely expresses emotion, will express a genuine thought about his spirituality, and you’ll be able to heckle him back into a state of emotional distance. I mean, really, it’s like neither of them sit around at 2am getting stoned and watching Christopher Hitchen’s videos on Youtube.
5: Ugh. That Hair Cut
In a hilarious attempt to feel desirable again, your mom has lopped off her hair and gone all “sassy secretary from the eighties” on you. She will communicate in no uncertain terms that she’s insecure about her new ‘do, and pathetically beg you to tell her she looks nice. Your dad will call her a lesbian and you will laugh and laugh because, seriously, get some confidence, Mom.
6: High cholesterol
As your parents’ health continues to decline, chances to roll your eyes at their pathetic attempts at staving off death will be a plenty. Behind every pantry door is a chance to scoff audibly at their newly purchased oatmeal or to take the wind out of their sails by telling them that those veggie burgers are actually processed and really bad for you. And, seriously, who do you have to fuck for a string cheese around here?
7: “Suze,” Your Mom’s Gym Friend
From stories about how your mom thinks she’s getting meaningful exercise in that aerobics class to her horrifying excitement that she “finally has a girlfriend who gets her out of the house,” Suze, who is a (of course) retired teacher, is giving your mom the companionship that she’s been missing out on for the last thirty years. She even invited your mom to a garbage book club and is thus a perfect target for derision.
8: The News
You won’t be home long before one of those idiots makes a comment about current events, based on the very limited number of news outlets that they realize they have access too. At first, you will snap at them, because maybe wars would stop happening if they just read the right blogs, but soon you will find a way to have a good hardy har har over the fact that nothing, not even paying diligent attention to current events, will make their arcane asses seem relevant in this ever changing world.
9: Having you
Truth be told, your parents would be a lot cooler if they had just never been your parents at all. Nothing sets off a nerd alert like giving someone life, and really, if they wanted you to think they were cool, they should have never made you in the first place.
Enjoy these 9 Reasons To Mock Your Aging Parents? Maybe you should phone them and tell them that you love them, or more easily you could simply check out 33 Of The Funniest Christmas Photos Ever Taken
