Wedding Ladies

The bridesmaids don’t wish that Matt would die, but also don’t wish he would NOT die.

As the upcoming nuptials of their best friend draw closer, bridesmaids Renee Powell, Nykeria Sesay, and Grace Wong find their feelings increasingly conflicted concerning the groom-to-be, Matt DeNino.

“Matt? Oh yeah, I mean Matt’s fine, I guess,” said Wong, when asked her opinion of her best friend Claire’s fiancé. “It’s not that I dislike him,” she said thoughtfully, “It’s just that, well, I wouldn’t be that upset if he died and was buried in a shallow, unmarked grave by the side of the highway.”

Sesay echoed her friend’s sentiments, saying, “People get the wrong idea when we talk about Matty. Sure, at first we thought he was a lecherous douchebag whose sense of humor consisted only of sexism, racism and the occasional homophobic jab.”

When asked when she changed her mind about Matty, Sesay simply said, “What? Oh, no, that was the end of my thought.”

Powell, for her part, remained slightly more optimistic. “You know, Matty does seem to make Claire really happy. I just think maybe they’re not quite right for one another – Claire needs someone sensitive to listen to her thoughts and treat her as an equal member of the relationship, while Matt needs someone to slowly torture him until he begs for the sweet release of death.”

When noted that it seems the girls actually really despise Mr. DeNino, Wong was quick to set the record straight. “No, nononononono,” Wong rushed to say. “Claire is our best friend and we are 110% supportive of her decisions and her choices. If she loves Matt, we love Matt. We’d just be slightly happier if this were Matt’s funeral instead of his wedding.”

Asked if they had voiced any of these apparent concerns to the bride, Sesay sighed, saying, “I think that would only serve to further alienate Claire. It’s probably best for everyone if we just grin and bear it.”

“We’re fully prepared to spend the next 30 years gritting our teeth through birthday parties and baby showers, silently wondering if there’s a way to get Matty to mix enough prescription pain killers and Scotch to put the nail in the coffin,” added Powell. “And not because we wish ill on him, that’s TOTALLY off the mark – I’d say it’s more that we just wish he would drown or get shot or maybe both.”

However, the women remain committed to strengthening their relationship with DeNino. “We’re absolutely going to try,” says Wong. “If you try hard enough, you can find the good in anyone. And if you try even harder, you can find a really good industrial acid that dissolves bone, flesh, and tissue.”

When asked what he thinks of the bridesmaids, Mr. DeNino simply said, “Oh yeah, I love those sluts!”

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