Trump Pence American Pie

In what many political insiders are referring to as “a wacky, sex-crazed romp”, President Donald Trump has promised Vice President Mike Pence to help him lose his virginity during spring break at Mar-a-Lago.

According to leaks, the meek, boyish VP had reluctantly admitted to the brash, party-animal President that he had never had sex. This left the Commander in Chief without words, following a spit-take that left Pence soaked with Budweiser.

“Amigo, do you mean to tell me that you’ve never done the deed?!” Trump asked, peeking over the top of his neon green Wayfarers.

Pence explained that the opportunity never really came up, to which Trump asked him which “primo babes” in the White House he’d like to “punch that v-card with.” Pence responded by saying he always had his eye on the quiet artsy girl and his wife of thirty-two years Karen Pence.

“Her?!” Trump said in disbelief. “No offense, dudester, but you can do waaaay better.”

The President then threw the slice of pizza he was eating over his shoulder where it landed on Pence’s Hüsker Dü poster. “That tears it. Pack your bags. We’re going to Mar-a-Lago and YOU’RE getting that Washington Monument of yours wet.”

After much resistance from the VP, the two of them got into their friend “Spicey’s” beer-stocked van (affectionately named Orbit Cinnamon), and headed to the Florida resort.

Once there, the trio was faced with a number of outlandish predicaments, including a water ski race with Al Franken and his gang for control of the Senate, a misunderstanding that ended with Spicey accidentally ingesting nearly three pounds of pot brownies, and an argument with a prostitute Trump hired for Pence in which the sex-worker took the President and his administration to task for his recent decisions regarding safe, affordable health care options for women.

During the final day of the trip, the VP nearly had relations in a hot tub with a hyper-sexual foreign woman named Melania before realizing that it was Karen he truly wanted all along.

“I’ve been so caught up in what the party wants,” Pence was heard to say to his wife as he removed her glasses, “That I never stopped to think about what I want.”

At that point the two kissed by one of the resort’s pools, while the crane shot panned outward and “Tenderness” by General Public began to play.

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