Dear Shane Pet Iguana

Dear Shane,

My best buddy Austin got called to report for duty in Iraq last month, and he asked me to pet-sit his iguana Felix. At first I was kinda pissed, because I wasn’t about reptiles at the time. It was Austin’s decision to serve our country, plus dude could’ve given me more of a heads up. I got a whole lifestyle going on, and Felix wasn’t part of it.

However, something changed: Felix gets me. I’ve never felt more understood by anyone in my whole life. And also, he looks 100% hilarious on a skateboard. I’ve been doing this thing where I put him on Austin’s longboard, and push him down the hill. He usually falls off halfway through. And the thing is, so does Austin, but Felix doesn’t cry like a little bitch when he hits the ground.

Originally, I was keeping Felix in my kitchen, but he quickly moved to the bathroom, and then eventually my bedroom. It’s weird how pets can make you doubt your friendships with actual people. It’s entirely possible that Austin just blows ass, though. My family tells me I’m really bad at picking friends. But as it turns out, my friends are awesome at picking pets, and I’m awesome at taking care of those pets.

So I guess my question is: what do I do when Austin comes back from Iraq? I’m secretly hoping he doesn’t, because that’ll make it so much less awkward when I tell him I want to stay friends with Felix, but sever ties with Austin.

Also, how long do iguanas live? Is it even worth it? Or is Felix gonna keel over any day now?

– Iguana Ditch My Buddy

P.S. I trained Felix to take his dumps in a toilet and it’s the funniest shit ever.


Dear Iguana Ditch My Buddy,

This story couldn’t be closer to my heart, since I used to have a pet iguana. I named him Slayer after my favorite band at the time, and also because he totally slayed with the ladies lol. But seriously, I once put him in a cage with my friend’s lady iguana and they totally went at it. Slayer was all up in that biznatch.

Aside from Slayer being a total ladies man, I bring up that story to let you know that I might not be the most impartial dude when it comes to iguanas. Due to feeding him Cheetos, which seemed like a cool party trick at the time, Slayer died. I can still see that little cheese mustache on his lizard lips, which was hysterical in the moment but is now very sad. Anyway, I’m not gonna get sissy on you because I know that Slayer is rocking up in heaven with his pick of lady iguana angels.

I know this is gonna sound harsh, but we can’t pick who we like. If you like Felix more than Austin, who friggin’ cares? It’s too bad for Austin what with serving his time in Iraq, but you didn’t create that war. Word on the street is that government did, and it would only be letting war win if we let it get in the way of friendships, interspecies or otherwise.

Also, did you ever see Pearl Harbor? (Btw, I only saw it because this chick I was banging asked me to. Plus I thought it was gonna focus on explosions and bombs and shit. Had no idea it was a love story, so don’t judge). Basically the whole message of the movie was that, sure, war happens, but you gotta keep living your life. Because chances are your buddy would’ve wanted you to take care of your loved ones—or in this case, loved reptiles. Actually, I think I do remember Ben Affleck being mad that Josh Hartnett nails his fiancé, but he gets over it.

So I say: go into this acting like Felix is gonna live forever. Because while Austin will get over it, you don’t want to be left wondering what could’ve been with Felix. I know I’m happy I gave Slayer my all, even though this world took him too soon.



P.S. Slayer took mad dumps in toilets too. Haha.

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