Ah, to be a woman. Two arms, two legs, mostly water, you know, just a regular old gal who loves a good beauty hack as much as the next human person, which I definitely am! These simple tips and tricks will help even the most bumbling beauty fool anyone into thinking they’re just a… hot, human girl who absolutely is not trying to learn their ways in an effort to someday overthrow… their makeup bags!

1. Remove stains with baking soda!

Oooh teeth! Since most people tend to have some you’ll want to keep them clean and sparkly, and you can bust through any stains or grit with a tiny bit of baking soda!

Teeth Hack

2. Mattify any glossy lipstick with powder!

Have a lipstick shade you love but wish it weren’t so glossy? No problem! Just press translucent powder over a tissue and press onto your lips. How do I know this, you wonder? Because I’m a good old-fashioned woman, comprised of 65% oxygen and 18% carbon like everyone else.

Matte Lips Hack

3. Shed your skin layers with coffee grounds!

Mmm, coffee! The hot brown liquid that human people like me drink by the gallon for energy and to build titanium-strength muscle fibers perfect for running over rocky terrain for an entire 113 hour day at a time! You can use the grounds to shed thin layers of your skin to reveal more human skin, because what else would be under there? Not scales, that’s for fucking sure!

Coffee Hack

4. Contour!

Some women like to contour their faces to look like slightly different faces, but not me! What you see is what you get, and that is one issued-from-birth human face, plain as day. If you want to try contouring, you can achieve results simply by drawing the number 3 on the outer edge of your face, which I, for one, am not afraid might summon an intergalactic entity to appear through a wormhole and take me back to the year -4, or anything like that!

Contour Hack

5. DIY blackhead removal with glue!

This one might sound kind of weird, but not if you’re a human woman because that’s just the type of wacky thing we would do to look cute for potential mates and deter fish from flocking toward us. For this hack, simply wipe some glue onto your nose, of which I definitely only have one, and then peel away any dirt and impurities after it’s dried!

Glue Hack

6. Create a lustrous shine with eggs!

Eggs IN your hair? After your mom used all six of her arms, I mean, combs to brush them out? No, silly, not those kinds of eggs! These ones come from a chicken, which is a type of food I enjoy eating with my friends during times like dinner.

Hair Hack

7. Easy winged liner every time!

Struggling to get the perfect winged eyeliner using only your inferior ten fingers? Worry not! Just use the straight edge of a business card to get a tight line, like a cat, which is something we gals strive to look like for aesthetic purposes and not to disguise us from predatory birds.

Eyeliner Hack

8. Have only one head!

Perhaps the most overlooked hack of all, the simple trick of just having your head positioned at the top of your body, rather than in the center of your first (primary) abdomen, will be sure to have everyone convinced you’re a real human being, I mean, natural hottie! Go get ’em!

Features Hacks

For more must-have beauty tips and tricks that’ll fool everyone into thinking you aren’t some threatening entity hell-bent on destroying the world as they know it, check out these simple hacks for making that baggie of dog shit go with any outfit and these tips for growing your hair so long people will think you’re homeschooled.

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