In a press conference this past Wednesday, John Krafcik, the CEO of Waymo, Google’s self-driving car division, announced that they’ve finally developed a car that’s custom built for people to masturbate in.
“We’re extremely excited for this new feature,” Krafick stated in front of a crowd of over 300 of the tech-world’s most prominent names. “Self-driving cars are the future. They remove the danger of distracted driving, are extremely fuel efficient, and, perhaps most importantly, we can all masturbate in them.”
Unlike the previous self-driving cars Waymo has tested, this car boasts a plethora of exciting new features, including vibrating seats, a hand lotion dispenser, and small screen for viewing pornographic material. And if that’s not enough to get your gears going, Google has also announced plans for partnerships with Pornhub and Harlequin Romance to provide additional materials to all of its riders.
“It’s really just about creating a safer, more enjoyable driving experience for everyone,” continued Krafick. “If we can get accident statistics down and jerkin’-it statistics up, we’ll have done our job.” When asked what prompted recent modifications, Krafick stated, “Far and away the comment we got most frequently with other models was ‘What’s even the point if I can’t jerk off while my car drives me around?’ And, well, we really took that to heart.”
Early tests of the car – lovingly dubbed the Masturbation Wagon – have shown extremely positive results. Pamela Richards was the lucky Waymo employee chosen to test drive the car first. “This car really is a miracle of modern science. The seats are so lush and soft. When I got in I simply input my destination, reclined my seat, and proceeded to go to town on myself. There’s nothing like orgasming at 60mph to really put your life into perspective. The future truly is now.”
Waymo hopes to begin mass production of this car in late 2017. “This is a difficult time for our country right now,” said Krafcik, “and if we can make America better one greased pipe at a time, that’ll be enough for us.”