So you want to work out, but you’ve spent your last dollar and your last bit of inspiration ordering tapestries from Urban Outfitters. We completely understand and are only barely judging you. We’ve gathered some experts in fitness and experts in laziness to craft the perfect workout plan for your sluggish ass:
- As the old saying that I heard on the internet once and have been running with ever since, goes – stretching is just as important to a workout as actual working out is, so before you get started, get stretching! Place focus on whatever hand features what’s medically known as your “scrollin’ thumb”, and be sure to take your time with this one, that dim sum place doesn’t close ’til 11 on Fridays.
2. It’s summer, so that means your ass better be looking good in that sundress that the patriarchy wants you to wear. So, to avoid that inevitable chaffing, do some squats! Just make sure when you’re reaching down to pick up your phone from that hole with a bunch of trash in it, that you have perfect form.
3. If you think you need to join some pricey gym to get your fitness on, you couldn’t be more wrong, you fucking idiot (seriously, what’s wrong with you?) A good workout can take place anywhere, and often does, especially on the subway stairs around 8:30 am, which is apparently prime time and place to respond to a Facebook comment.
4. What is a Total Body Stretch®, you ask? Just because this exercise plan is “starting to feel like some kind of made up bullshit” to you doesn’t mean it’s not without merit. Plus how the fuck did my phone get all the way over by the wall with no outlet?
5. The key to this pose is to really isolate those specific muscles needed to bring your phone as close to your face as possible in an effort to see who that chick is in the background of that photo on your dude’s Instagram from 78 weeks ago.
6. Ugh, cardio day, amiright? Most people hate working up their heart rate and a sweat for seemingly no reason, but the second someone swipes your precious and sometimes only connection to the world around you, you best believe you will be springing into high gear so quickly and efficiently it’ll probably surprise you, and will definitely surprise the donut cart guy you stop and visit every morning and some afternoons.
7. A meditative yet active movement, this simple exercise will not only work to create lean muscle definition in your upper back while you avoid going back to the office just so you can breathe for five seconds JESUS FUCKING CHRIST this job is suffocating me, how does everyone just go to work everyday? Am I even capable of happiness? But will also allow for a few minutes to be mindful and present and also search for new jobs on Indeed.
8. Who says exercise isn’t fun? You can pull up a good meme, a funny tweet, or a picture of that asshole from high school who is fat now, and work out your abs with a great laugh!
If you broke a sweat with these pictures, you’ll also enjoy better uses for the shitty art you bought from Katie to benefit the ACLU.