New Years Resolutions Probation

The beginning of a new year is an opportunity to start fresh, using the hopefulness that comes with a clean slate to develop new patterns and habits, while kicking old ones to the curb. I have a feeling that 2017 is going to be my best year for keeping resolutions yet, thanks to the watchful eye of the state of New York, and my court appointed “life coach” of sorts, Mr. Chambers, who is determined to keep me on the right track for at least the next six months! Here are some of my top “mandatory resolutions” for 2017:

1. Quit drinking.

Cutting back on the alcohol seems to be a pretty popular resolution for a lot of people, and I’m definitely on board to give it the old heave-ho (along with any and all narcotic or controlled substances, and paraphernalia). I’m guessing all that quality sleep and money saving I’ll be doing this “Drynuary” will keep me motivated to continue being my healthiest me yet, and also because Mr. Chambers will randomly test my pee to make sure I haven’t slipped up. Talk about an accountabili-buddy!

2. Volunteer!

Volunteering is a common resolution which not only helps a person’s community but is proven to result in valuable, positive emotional rewards for the volunteer as well. I figure that 2017, and the 120 hours of community service I’m required to complete before July 31 are a perfect time to just jump right in and offer my time and limited skill set to the Boys and Girls Club of Dutchess county, as well as picking up trash on the side of the road! Go me!

3. No guns.

Honestly, this one will probably be the hardest to give up. I know a lot of people are probably already rolling their eyes at the thought of another “New year, new me” type denouncing her use of guns, only to be back at the firing range once the excitement has worn off by mid-February, but I’m determined to make this court appointed condition work this time, dammit!

4. Therapy.

2017 is already feeling like the year when I truly begin to look inward, and with the mandatory mental health outpatient counseling I have scheduled to attend twice a week, I feel like I’ll have to do just that, at least if I “Ever wanna get off this paper” like Mr. Chambers says.

5. Save Money.

I’ve been talking about this for years, but it’s time to get it together and cut the bullshit for real! The best way to cut expenses is to stay in more often, which can mean my apartment, or even my entire judicial district, according to this paperwork. “Go big or go home” as I always say, which is probably the exact mentality that led me to steal my bosses car in a blackout in the first place, but what can you do? Aside from adhering to the several standard, punitive, and rehabilitative conditions stated here, that is.

6. Keep appointments!

Especially my appointments with Mr. Chambers because he has the power to send me to jail if I don’t, which honestly seems a little self-important, but that’s just his journey and I can’t fault him for that.

7. Cut out toxic people.

It’s not always easy to walk away from certain long-standing relationships, as toxic as some of them may be. Luckily for me, Mr. Chambers is very strongly encouraging me to avoid “Associating with any persons involved in criminal activity,” and like putty in his wise hands, I am his for the molding. But he’s not talking about Dominic though, right? I mean that’s not even his real job.

8. Be more honest.

This one isn’t your typical New Year’s resolution, but hey, I’m not your typical gal! I think I owe it to myself and everyone around me to start saying what I mean and admitting what I do, because we all see the polygraph I have to walk by to get to Mr. C’s office, which is like, point taken, OK? I get it.

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