Puerto Rico

Day after day as I scroll through my Facebook feed, I get hit with guilt-mongering pleas to donate to various charities, and sob stories about displaced single mothers who need my help. These days, it seems like you can’t go five minutes on social media without being asked to send some lesbian refugee kid a backpack, or sign a petition for “clean water.”

But this Puerto Rico thing is just taking it too far. I’m sorry, will someone please explain how this is OUR issue? Yes, I’m sorry your country was “completely devastated by a hurricane” and is “still without power,” but that doesn’t make it “my problem.”

We have enough going on in America right now. My favorite football team is refusing to get on their damn feet for the national anthem, illegal immigrants are pouring over our unsecured borders, and American hero Hugh Hefner just died. Why do we need to solve everyone else’s problems for them too?

I feel for the Puerto Rican citizens – I really do. Some electrical work on our street left me without power for a whole weekend earlier this month, and I missed the premiere of Young Sheldon. And you best believe when that happened, I sent an angry email to my president about it. I would encourage Puerto Ricans to do the same – our president has enough on his plate.

Which, by the way, is also unfair. Why is President Trump expected to fix EVERYTHING? Healthcare, the deficit, AND immigration? That’s a tall order for one person, I’m sure he’s trying his best. I haven’t ever even heard of the Puerto Rican president, so surely he has more time to dedicate to his own country than our president does for some random island in the middle of some ocean.

I guess I’d ask the citizens of Puerto Rico: if you don’t have enough faith in your own president to fix this problem, why’d you even elect him? I know you’re just a developing nation, so stuff like this takes time to really click — and I’m sure there’s a ton of corruption in your electoral system. It’s not totally your fault. But next time, vote for someone with your best interests at heart, who will make sure you have disaster relief funds and emergency service workers, OK? I hate to say it, because it’s a huge bummer for you guys, but it’s just not our burden to bear.

I’m a good person, so I’ll donate $15 for disaster relief via Paypal. But next time you or Hawaii need help, you guys are on your own.

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