Well, friends, I’ve officially been at college for six weeks, and I am feeling WOKE. It only took three weeks of my Gender & Sexuality seminar and a few cranberry Spiked Seltzers at a coed frat rush party for me to see just how wrong I’ve been for so long. Now I’m here to impart that knowledge onto you. As Lil Wayne poetically said (another enlightenment bomb for you – all rap is poetry) “Most of y’all don’t get the picture ‘less the flash is on.”

I know this might be a little revolutionary for some of my friends who go to schools like Trinity and Elon, but just bear with me here: sexuality is a spectrum.

That’s right – take a second to let the aftershock of that knowledge earthquake rattle you for a minute. It’s okay. Your small little world isn’t going to implode on itself. Change is good. Basically what that means is whatever you think you are, you’re not that thing. Think you’re straight? NOPE. Think you’re a lesbian? Have I got news for you.

Would you even know who Alison Bechdel was if it weren’t for Fun Home? I didn’t think so. Fuck you.

Here’s a thought that could change the world: nobody is 100% straight or 100% gay. Even if you’re absolutely positive that you’re a dude who’s into dudes, you need to realize that you’re making a dangerously limiting assumption about yourself. You’re welcome.

I’m sure you’ve never heard anyone talk like this before – and it’s okay to be skeptical. Some people have a harder time than others being lectured by a teenager about something as complex and personal as their own sexual orientation. But whether you’re my roommate Julie or my 67-year-old Uncle Mark, I feel that it’s my responsibility as a two-month-college-educated woman to help set you on this path of self-discovery.

I mean I would never actually date a girl, which makes me, like, a three on the Kinsey scale. But did that stop me from making out with that lesbian (as she identifies – I, personally, find labels asinine and reductive) at the student clubs open house last week? Fuck. No.

I sincerely hope you’re starting to realize that something as variegated, intimate and multifaceted as all human sexuality can’t be reduced to a few simple orientations, which is why it must instead be plotted on a linear, one-dimensional scale.

If you have any questions about this kind of stuff, you can always come to me. It wasn’t so long ago that I was like you, floundering around in the dark looking for the light of social and self-awareness to be flickety-flicked on. Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I will be considering having a threesome with Julie, who seems pretty confused about her own sexuality TBH. As long as she knows it’s not going anywhere.

Like I said, I’m not gay.

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