A San Antonio-based pet care company will release a new gadget designed to bring cat owners closer to their feline companions, a spokesperson for the brand announced Wednesday. The instrument – a one inch long brush designed to simulate the barbed phallus of a male tomcat – will allow so-called “crazy cat people” to go one step beyond grooming and just straight up fuck their furry friends already, or whatever it is they need from this relationship.

“We do what we do because we love our kitties and I am not legally obligated to disclose any more information,” says co-creator and self-proclaimed “stay-at-home cat dad” Jensen Doerson.

Working closely with a team of celebrated Cat Whisperers® found deep within the far reaches of the internet to create the device, the company hopes to further improve the lifestyles of well-cared for cats for whom a bed, food, weird made-up voices, at least six nicknames, a dozen tiny bow-ties, battery-powered litter boxes, and personal Instagram accounts are simply not enough.

“God, I don’t know how many times I have to explain this, it’s so the cats can feel bonded to us,” Doerson explained. “Call it a ‘crime against nature’ all you want, but 13 of the 50 United States say ‘no problemo’ so y’all haters can just fuck off, and you can quote me on that.”

Designed to replicate a male cat’s erect penis, the silicone brush comes affixed with penile spines, or barbs, allowing cat owners to engage in the painful and somewhat traumatic-seeming mating process previously only shared between cats.

Whether or not to engage in scruff biting is left to the cat owner’s discretion.

The brush is expected to be a big hit amongst cat lovers who find themselves compelled to tell other people about what time their cat woke them up this morning, mimic the voice their cat uses to beg for Greenie treats, and force friends to view photos of their cat while waiting on their Uber to arrive, as if anyone actually gives a shit.

Despite some negative criticism already received, Doerson wishes to assure all that this product is, again, intended only to create a more comfortable living experience for house cats.

“Trust me when I say that this has nothing to do with me wanting to actually fuck my cat, or climb inside my cat’s skin and think my cat’s thoughts, and it definitely has zilch to do with the countless hours I’ve spent fantasizing about cutting a cat open and filling it with several, smaller cats, then opening them one by one to my surprise and delight, kind of like those little Russian dolls,” he said.

When asked what he thinks about the silicone barbed penis brush device, proud dog lover Dennis Blanch simply stated, “That’s disgusting,” before congratulating his Boston Terrier, Winnie, for defecating directly inside the bag dangled below her anus.

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