For decades, people have been enjoying mayonnaise as a condiment on their favorite sandwiches, but with a little imagination, it can spice up the bedroom too! These nine tantalizing tips will have you saying, “Bring out the Hellmann’s—and bring out the sex!” in no time:
1. Apply It As A Tasty Contraceptive
There’s nothing sexy about the question “Do you have a condom?” but there’s plenty sexy about “Do you have Hellmann’s?” Contrary to popular belief, mayonnaise is a highly effective contraceptive that sounds as luscious as it tastes!
2. Wear It As Lingerie
Who needs leather and lace when you can dress your privates in emulsified egg whites? No one, that’s who!
3. Lube Up With It
What do you do when you have two tickets to booty town but the train gets stuck on the track? Don’t force your way through the tunnel—-grease the rails with some Hellmann’s mayonnaise instead. Chugga chugga woo woo!
4. Rub It On As Sensual Massage Oil
Taking it slow? A massage is a great way to invoke all your lover’s senses, and a head-to-toe body rub gets even more luxurious when your partner is greased up with mayonnaise.
5. Turn Oral Sex Into A Delicious Treat
No matter what who you’re going down on or what you’re licking, everything tastes better with mayo. With Hellmann’s, you’ll be smacking your lips even after analingus!
6. Use The Jar As A Dildo
Have you ever noticed that a jar of Hellmann’s fits perfectly inside an anus or vagina? It might require a little elbow grease, but trust us, you’ll be exploding with pleasure. If you have any trouble, see tip #2 about using mayonnaise as a lubricant.
7. Play Dress Up
Role-playing is a fun way to shake things up in the bedroom. Create all sorts of sexy scenarios using Hellmann’s as body paint. Will you be a snowman? A ghost? Civil War general Tecumseh Sherman? Anything vaguely white is a possibility!
8. Have A Mayonnaise à Trois
Threesomes are fun, but finding your third can be tricky. Why risk social awkwardness when you and your lover could just take turns pleasuring a jar of mayonnaise?
9. Up Your BDSM Game
Squeezing into a full-body leather gimp suit can cause some pretty annoying chafing. Lucky for you the “M” in BDSM stands for “mayo,” and Hellmann’s is there to keep those assless chaps from chapping your ass.