Tinder Truck Stop Girl

Runt Composite: jpgfactory/Getty Images;Tinder

Over the last few years, the world has become familiar with Tinder – the dating app that links directly with your Facebook profile, connecting you to romantic partners in your vicinity for casual encounters or possibly long-term relationships.

You might have used Tinder at the gym, the park, or maybe even the club, which is all well and good for your stable types, but what about the loners and drifters? That’s why I’ve spent the last month traveling truck stops with nothing but an iPhone, the money I made selling crushed pseudoephedrine, and a never-say-die belief in love. Here’s what I found:

5. Sleeping with Truckers Doesn’t Make You Gay

Let’s just get that one out of way. I’m a heterosexual male just like so many of the truckers I’ve had sex with across this great country.

America’s highways are long and lonely, and grabbing ten minutes behind a Bob’s Big Boy on Highway 90 is not about being gay; it’s about saying, hey fellow traveler, I swiped right on you, because you looked mighty fine in that CAT baseball hat. Now let’s pop some uppers and shake off the infinite sadness of America’s highway system with hetero-dude orgasms.

4. Many Women Willing To Have Sex At Truck Stops Expect Money

Now don’t get me wrong. Like any red-blooded, heterosexual male, I went looking for ladies, but for whatever reason, not so many of them check in at isolated truck stops. Seems most just want to use the bathroom or grab a cup of coffee before continuing their travels.

I did meet a few, however, and if you’re a drifter who’s serious about finding vagabond love, you will too. Be warned, however: many of these ladies posing as lonely travelers will expect payment for sexual services rendered. They also expect you to have your own car, seemingly too proud for intimacy behind Bob’s Big Boy.

3. Never Trust A Trucker Whose Profile Doesn’t Have A Picture With A Dog

You can tell a lot about a man from his Tinder profile. The pics he chooses reveal the most important aspects of character. For example, does he have friends, does he clean up nice when he’s not trucking, and most of all, does he love puppies?

You simply can’t get romantically involved with a man who doesn’t put that pet picture front and center when looking for anonymous truck stop sex from someone who routinely urinates in a mayonnaise jar during the work day.

2. Never Trust A Townie!

Sometimes if you’re at a truck stop that’s not sufficiently in the middle of nowhere, you might pick up love-seekers from a neighboring town. While tempting, I strongly recommend you never swipe right on a townie. While some will appear for your date, not reeking from the sweat of a 300 mile drive, virtually none of them will be willing to have sex with you behind a Bob’s Big Boy.

1. The Hot Chicks At The Sunglass Hut Aren’t On Tinder

Any experienced traveler knows that the belle of the ball (of the truck stop) are the beautiful young women of the Sunglass Hut. These sirens will beckon you with their call of “sunglasses?” or “need sunglasses?” or “you look good in those sunglasses.”

Despite the obvious overture, these are, apparently, not requests for romantic attention. I know. I’ve asked each and every Sunglass Hut chick, and apparently none of them are on Tinder. Weird business policy or something. You’re better off taking your love of the road and anonymous sex elsewhere.

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