Pictured: Marie, a pitiful weakling who just can’t figure out how to not say “just.”
Ladies, with each day, we’ve become more and more of a force to be reckoned with in the workplace. It’s time to stop apologizing and start taking charge! Here are six of the most common mistakes us gals should ditch while writing work emails, along with six solutions that will have you climbing that corporate ladder in no time!
1. Skip the “justs” and “I’m sorrys”—you don’t need to apologize for having an opinion!
Ditch: Hi Dan, I’m incredibly sorry for throwing a glass of wine on your wife at the company dinner party last weekend. Apparently barbiturates and cocaine are not a great combo. Just wanted to apologize and say I hope things can be normal on Monday! Best, Marie.
Do: Dan – I think we can all understand cause and effect here: if your wife wasn’t such an utter cunt, she wouldn’t have had wine thrown in her face. I’m just (**appropriate use of ‘just’**) glad I was coked out of my mind enough to do it. Try to fire me and I’ll sue. See you Monday, Marie.
2. Don’t fritter around with useless email filler. Instead get to the point quickly, clearly, and concisely.
Ditch: Hi Dan! How was your vacation? I saw some of your pictures on Facebook. It looked like a blast. The office was pretty relaxed while you were away…Darrell’s father unfortunately passed away, so he’s gone home for the week. I was surprised to feel incredibly fulfilled by the extra tasks you had me complete in your absence, and I’d love to discuss potentially expanding my role at the company with you when you have some time this week. Let me know! Best, Marie.
Do: Dan – If your clusterfuck of a company doesn’t increase my salary 10% in the next 30 days, I’ll sue you so fast your kids won’t even have time to ask why they live in a box now. – Marie
3. Don’t be afraid to tell someone they need to get something done. It’s your job to manage, not to beg.
Ditch: Hi Dan! Hope you’re recovering after your surgery—we all miss you at work! Hate to ask, but do you think you’re still on track to have the quarterly spending report to me EOD next Friday? Get well soon! Marie.
Do: Well, if it isn’t Dan “I Drove My Bike Into Oncoming Traffic” Wallace! While I appreciate the fact (**no one says you can’t empathize**) that you’re allegedly incapable of working right now due to being immobilized from the neck down, I ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY expect the quarterly spending report to be in my hands no later than yesterday. Fuck off. – Marie.
4. Present yourself as a strong, equal member of this team by writing a clear, informative subject line.
Ditch: “Quick question about your presentation” or ‘Following up on your computer issue!”
Do: DAN – open this email now, you living bag of dicks. I can see your computer screen from here you soul-sucking assbasket. (**This might not all load into the subject field, but suspense is a great way to make people open an email**.)
5. Don’t minimize and qualify—it only makes you look weak to couch your thoughts in a bunch of needless padding.
Ditch: Hey Dan – I really don’t want to bother you with this, but I felt I needed to tell you that I set the break room on fire. I could totally be turning this into a huge thing when it’s not—I do that all the time—but better safe than sorry, right? Anyway, it’s a totally little thing (unlike the tub of gasoline I used to douse the place, which was really quite large), and it’ll probably blow over in a day or two. Ugh, sorry again, I just wanted to let you know. Best, Marie.
Do: Hi Dan, you cancer of a human being. Your mother never loved you. I hope you die in a fire. Speaking of which, meet me in the break room in 10 minutes. Best, Marie.
6. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! If they talk dirty, you talk dirty too, because ladies can roll with the big boys.
Ditch: Hi Dan! Quarterly report looked great—can’t wait to grab Q3 “by the balls” :-) Best, Marie.
Do: Dan – That quarterly report made me jizz myself. If Q3 was a nice fat hairy choad, I’d shove it down my throat and fellate that shit until my eyes watered. Regards, Marie
