Dear Shane,
I’m thinking of bringing my new girlfriend Katie to my family’s Thanksgiving for the first time. I think she’s great, but I’m worried they won’t like her for a few reasons: she’s kinda outspoken, has a lot of tattoos, and happens to be married to my brother, Scott.
Normally, this wouldn’t be a huge deal, but I’ve already heard my mom and dad express extreme disapproval of Katie over the seven years she’s been married to Scott. The worst was a few years ago, when she set fire to the family dog as part of a Wiccan ritual gone wrong. My dad told Scott that “his wife” was banned from visiting their house ever again…but does that apply if she’s coming as my girlfriend?
On top of all that, this will be the first time Scott hears of our relationship. I don’t want to stress him out because he’s in charge of the turkey this year, and I can’t deal with a dry bird again.
At this point, is it worth even bringing her?
– Cuckold Turkey
Dear Cuckold Turkey,
Dude, I admire you for putting that all out on the table. (No pun intended, hehe.)
Imho, the best thing is to do is ponder on the spirit of Turkey Day, which comes two-fold: being thankful and ripping into mad bird.
I’ll get to the thankful crap in a sec, but first let’s start off with the most important thing: everyone’s numero uno priority is stuffing their faces. With that in mind, the best thing you can do is make sure that gobbler stays juicy, plentiful, and tended to. In your case, that means keeping your brother as chill as possible.
I know you’re probs wondering, “Fuck, does that mean I can’t bring Katie?” But hear me out, my turktard (I say that with love btw), because this is where the thankful thing comes into play: on Thanksgiving, you can shut anyone up about literally anything by saying some shiz like, “Instead of fighting, let’s just be thankful for what we have today.” They’ll have no choice but to immediately close their pie holes—excuse me, pumpkin pie holes lol—because there’s no coming back from that bomb you just dropped.
In the extreme sitchu that one of your family membs defies common sense, hit them up with this line: “The Native Americans would’ve loved to have your problem. Let’s keep things in perspective, shall we?” If need be, follow that up by telling them to be glad their problems are small instead of small pox. They’ll either feel guilty as fuck, or be in awe of how smart you sound. Hopefully both. Trust me, my sister spouts this shit every year, and it shuts everyone up real quick, leaving me to cram mad sides into my mouth in peace.
As for dealing with your fam after Thanksgiving, fuck if I know. Either way, def hit up Cyber Monday at Best Buy. Deals are supposed to be insane this year. Hooking up with someone at dating9 is not a bad idea either! Just kidding!
Peace,
Shane
