Beyonce Coldplay

Pictured: Coldplay, Beyoncé’s biggest fans, lukewarm about Coldplay.

It was recently announced that Beyoncé will join Coldplay in the Super Bowl 50 halftime show, a decision which Coldplay has announced they are “incredibly stoked” about.

“When we heard Coldplay was taking on the 2016 halftime show, I was like, ‘Can they really sustain 30 minutes of high-octane entertainment?'” said Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. “But then I found out Beyoncé would be joining them and all I could think was ‘Thank the fucking lord—it’s gonna be an actual show now!'”

When asked why he continued to refer to his band in the third person, Martin explained that for Super Bowl Sunday, they don’t see themselves as a band, but simply as “a few fans who are super pumped to see Queen B perform live.”

“I mean, Coldplay?” said Jonny Buckland, the band’s lead guitarist. “I suppose they’re a decent enough band if you’re looking for something to zone out to while staring out the window on a rainy day, or to remind you of your ex even though you never listened to Coldplay together. But the most pop-infused, pyrotechnic, widely broadcast media spectacle of the year? I just don’t think they have it in ’em,” he mused.

“For real,” he continued, while idly doodling mustaches and glasses on a nearby poster of the band, “If you Google ‘upbeat Coldplay songs,’ you get a YouTube playlist with four videos of us tuning up between songs, and something by DeadMau5 called ‘Strobe.'”

“Beyoncé knows how to entertain—she really embraces performance and spectacle,” enthused drummer Will Champion. “Let’s not mince words here—her music would never come pre-loaded onto a computer. I mean, technically Coldplay’s hasn’t yet either, but it’s only a matter of time.”

“Back in the Viva La Vida days, we could have gotten a crowd this size going for at least four minutes and two seconds. But now? I don’t know. We’ve got ‘Speed of Sound,’ ‘Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall,’ ‘Clocks,’ and maybe ‘Hurts like Heaven,” said Martin. “Can you imagine following ‘Flawless,’ ‘Countdown,’ or ‘Crazy In Love’ with ‘Fix You’ or ‘The Scientist?’ Frankly, if the Queen runs long and we only have time to play ‘Amsterdam,’ I’ll call the night a net win.”

“We tried to go for a bang with ‘Hymn For The Weekend,’ our recent collaboration with Beyoncé, but it’s becoming abundantly clear that we don’t really know how to light it up without a shit ton of cultural appropriation. I thought we were safe since it was Indian culture, but apparently now people get mad if you appropriate theirs, too,” opined Martin.

Champion added, “On the DL? Before Beyoncé confirmed she was performing, we were planning on Bluetoothing Dangerously In Love to the stadium speakers and letting it play for a half hour behind a flame cannon and hoping people just forgot we were supposed to be there.”

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