You’ve been hearing a lot about “Life Hacks” lately. No, nobody told you. You don’t really have anybody in your life right now, but it’s fine. You saw these things online, and now you’ll start making your life better one tip at a time.
Life Hack 1: Move Heavy Books In Rolling Suitcases
You’ve never been into reading, but maybe people would find you more interesting if you started. Then you wouldn’t have looked so dumb in front of that barista when you didn’t know The Hunger Games was a book.
2: Use A Pool Noodle To Keeps Kids From Falling Out Of Bed
If anyone could ignore your terrible genetic makeup and completely reasonable self loathing for long enough to want reproduce, this life hack would be great. But that’s unlikely.
3: Clean Out A Sunscreen Bottle To Hid Valuables At The Beach
If cold water, sun, and sand didn’t all make you break out in a rash, this would make that trip to the beach easy and carefree.
Life Hack 4: Use A Stocking And A Vacuum To Find Tiny Things
Wow this will be so useful to find that earring Victoria lost at your place the other night. She’ll be so happy when it turns up. Her great-grandmother made them from a gold tooth she won playing poker at Auschwitz. Haha, just kidding. Victoria isn’t real.
5: Keep Your Fingers Clean While Eating Oreos
This would be a cool trick, except you’re always alone when you eat Oreos. Just like you always are, and always will be. Who cares if your hands are covered in cookie crumbs?
6: Make A Passcode Nobody Would Guess
You used to have this girlfriend who did cute things like read your text messages and ask your mom about your father’s sperm count, but she left you for someone who wasn’t afraid of spiders and mirrors. You’d kill to have that kind of intimacy again.
7: Keep Your Cat Out Of Your Workspace
When you still had a cat and a job, this would’ve been amazing. Maybe Nigel wouldn’t have choked to death on that power cord if you’d known about this life hack.